This is the bad place

DISCLAIMER: The Zircon staff is an industrious and talented group of people who are sincerely full of #@it. Therefore, take thee not a word uttered or written by this dastardly bunch seriously. The Zircon pages, aside from their obvious humor value, are worth a mere fraction of their printing cost. Happy reading, live long and prosper, may the road rise up to…

Macaroni Beansma – Staff Writer

When sophomore Eleanor Vanshelderstrop woke up on Tuesday morning, it was just that: another Tuesday. But on this particular Tuesday, she knew something was wrong. In fact, she had always known it. She just couldn’t quite place her finger on it until today.

“Things have been weird ever since I arrived at Dordt over a year ago. I always knew there was something different about this place, but I always chalked it up to the friendly community, small class size, great student teacher ratio, and strong spiritual culture.”

Indeed, things had been almost too perfect for Eleanor in her short time here at Dordt.

“When I first arrived freshman year, everything was just fine. People were so welcoming, I moved into the perfect dorm, met my soul mate, and got my ring by spring just a few months later.”

But Eleanor couldn’t shake the feeling that she wasn’t supposed to be at Dordt. “I just didn’t feel like I belonged.”

Vanshelderstrop brought her concerns to her advisor, Michael De Monersma, whom she said repeatedly reassured her she was in “a good place”

It wasn’t until a few days ago that a revelation finally occurred to Eleanor. “It was so obvious I was baffled I didn’t see it before: THIS is the bad place”

Eleanor confided her secret with her roommate, and the whole campus was aware within minutes.

At first nobody believed her, but after pointing out that Dordt held classes on Good Friday and the fact that calculus is one of the classes offered here, Eleanor was able to convince the student body that her hypothesis was correct.

“Something always did feel off…I first noticed it in my ethics class. It was just so boring and didn’t make any sense. That’s when the light bulb went off.”

Administration quickly discovered the revelation and confirmed that Eleanor’s suspicions were, in fact correct: Dordt College is actually the afterlife. And it’s not the good one.

De Monersma informed the board of trustees that he would resolve the situation as quickly as possible by wiping the memories of all stude-*


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