DISCLAIMER: The Zircon staff is an industrious and talented group of people who are sincerely full of #@it. Therefore, take thee not a word uttered or written by this dastardly bunch seriously. The Zircon pages, aside from their obvious humor value, are worth a mere fraction of their printing cost. Happy reading, live long and prosper, may the road rise up to…
Elijah Donmall—Staff Writer
On the morning of May 31st, America woke up to a tweet which read: “Despite the negative press covfefe”.
Many people speculated what it meant, and Trump replied saying that only he and the people who worked for him truly knew what he meant. And finally, on November 26th, he announced its true meaning: Covfefe University.
In August, as new students come to the freezing colds of Iowa, and as returning students hurriedly rush to the smell of manure, students coming back to learn about the Institutes of Calvin and what great thing Abraham Kuiper did will not see the name Dordt University, as expected, but Covfefe University instead.
Trump is buying Dordt College in the hope of strengthening his republican base after Steve King came within less than 5% of losing the election. This was different from his norm.
So why the name Covfefe University?
“Covfefe means hope. We are working to create a new generation of Americans who are all likeminded and truly understand the benefit, the gloriousness of what it means, to live and breathe in a Trump America,” Sarah Mountain said. “The media has skewed the truth. It is time for change and it’s time to make America truly great again.”
Every student in Covfefe University will no longer be required to read Vivid or Abraham Kuiper, but instead the Art of the Deal.
“The Art of the Deal is a remarkable, and it contains real life application. We make deals in every day of our lives and we need to know how to make them properly,” said outgoing President Hoekstra. “I do hope Dordt students embrace this change.”
The new changes to Dordt will mean that Dordt will no longer be a non-profit college but a for-profit one. According to the new agreement, Dordt will be given five years to turn a profit.
To do so, Covfefe University is hiring a sales team to sell their education curriculum worldwide.
The new educational system will replace all core classes with buisness and Trumpism classes. Students will learn about Trump accomplishment, and how he ran his buisness and how to play golf. They will learn how to win and control the media. They will also learn how to come up with my blowing phrases such as: “Lock them up,” “Build the wall” and how to insult people and get away with it.
“Haven’t you always wanted to say something mean and come out unscathed and on top?” Mike Van Trump said. Mike was a sophomore at Dordt College last year, but next year he will be a junior at Covefefe University. He changed his last name to show support for the new direction the college is taking.
“Core 110 teaches you about being ethical. You need to be respectful of your audience. Well, Trump has proven you don’t need to be respectful. You need to say the truth, your truth, using the facts that best suit you,” Van Trump said.
As Dordt will no longer be non-profit, many donors have announced they will no longer be funding Dordt.
“We did not sign up for this,” Mary Kuyper said. “I am positive the founders of Dordt would not be happy about these changes.”
Students will now be required to pay for their tuition during their 4 years.
There will be no scholarships offered to students, but each will be required to take out loans from their parents. The school has promised the loans will not be put to waste.
“Trump built his empire by taking a $1 million loan from his father,” says John Trump, the newly elected Dordt president. “We want to teach students how to turn loans into billions of dollars.”
Other changes coming to the college will be the renaming of buildings. The BJ Haan’s name will now be Great Again. And right on top the BJ Haan will be the face of the president.
Furthermore, there will no longer be a clock tower. Its replacement will be a miniature version of Trump Tower. The new tower will be 50m high and 8m wide. It will have stairs that all students will be required to climb through once a month to see the accomplishment of Donald trump.
The artwork around campus is also set to be changed from current art with true art – both in design and words – of Trump’s tweets.
“One of the things I always thought Dordt lacked was words of encouragement,” Van Trump said.
A wall will also be built around Dordt College in May 2019.