Physics profs master time travel

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Colossaraptor—Staff Writer

BREAKING NEWS: Physics professor John Zwart has been identified as Doctor Emmett Brown, the eccentric scientist from what was thought to be the fictional “Back to the Future” movies. Brown has been stuck in the present and was recently joined by Marty McFly in a failed rescue attempt.


Photo by Darude Sandystorm

Over 30 years have gone by and students just thought Zwart had endured one too many electrical shocks, suspecting nothing else. That is until Zwart’s identity was discovered through a slip-up he made on an exam. Students were given a test that was clearly not typed out in Microsoft Word, and the included date was 1993. Murmurs passed through the room and rumors began before the test was even finished.

“I always knew that something was off,” commented Joe Brown, a junior and a student of Zwart’s. “He said ‘Great Scott!’ way too much. Scott doesn’t even go here.”

Doc Brown started teaching at Dordt ages ago and when he came, he was alone. Within the last year, his cohort McFly has also infiltrated Dordt’s teaching department. He currently masquerades as the new physics and engineering professor, Jason Wyenberg.

Zwart and Wyenberg, or as we now know them, Brown and McFly, have been observed to be working on a vehicle in the engineering bay. Maintenance workers and procrastinating engineers have heard strange sounds late at night when other faculty and students have left the building. A closer look has shown that the sounds are the groans of despair and dropped tools from Brown and McFly. The vehicle is none other than the famous DeLorean DMC-12.

It seems that neither Brown nor McFly knows what is wrong with their time machine. The two were separated during travel and McFly has been searching for Brown for years. McFly’s rescue attempt ended up damaging the DeLorean, leaving both men stranded at Dordt.

While Brown and McFly have been identified, Dordt has made no move to replace their teaching positions. They will resume classes in the daytime until they fix their car. At this point, Dordt will address the lack of professors and physics students will finally have a day off of class.

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