DISCLAIMER: The Zircon staff is an industrious and talented group of people who are sincerely full of #@it. Therefore, take thee not a word uttered or written by this dastardly bunch seriously. The Zircon pages, aside from their obvious humor value, are worth a mere fraction of their printing cost. Happy reading, live long and prosper, may the road rise up to…
Sack Furskin – Staff Writer
Every December, Christians on Dordt’s campus prepare themselves. They strap on their winter coats, hats, scarves, and other various winter accoutrements, and they step out to face the cold. Not the cold of winter. No, not the icy winds and flurries of snow that hit this great country this time of year. No, dear reader. They boldly face the frigid, unforgiving cold of the dreaded War on Christmas.
Each year, a seemingly unkillable motley crew of Scrooges, Grinches, Humbugs, and others of the secular persuasion rise from the godless abyss they’ve made their homes. They rise with one singular intention: to undermine our good Christian values with one singular phrase: “Happy Holidays!” I know, dear readers, I nearly vomited just typing those deplorable, dirty words. Those words are the motto of all who seek to take the Christ out of Christmas, to try to make us forget the reason for the season.
Along with other like-minded terms like: “Merry X-Mas,” “Season’s Greetings” and “Happy Yule” all serve as terrible, blood-curdling beacons to all those who seek to erase us, the good Christian Americans, who seek to simply decorate our CHRISTMAS trees and gorge ourselves silly on vast amounts of food, just as God intended. Christmas always has been, and always will be, just for Christians. Any efforts to include others in our festivities, like these reprobates and their vermin ilk, is completely unChristian and futile. HAPPY HOLIDAYS IS PERSECUTION!!!!
So, what is a godly, upright Dordt student to do? Are they to cower before these monsters? No. I, for one, will do my sacred duty: screaming “UM, IT’S MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” at maximum volume directly into people’s ears at every feasible opportunity. Anything less is just downright disrespectful. Thus, dear readers, do not go gentle into that good night. Go forth, spreading the good news in the most obnoxious way you can. And always remember, Jesus Christ, Creator of the Universe and our Lord and Savior, cares about what we call the pagan feasts we’ve stolen for his birthday. Stand firm, soldiers!
Happy Arbor Day.