Prankster discovers student government is run by communists

DISCLAIMER: The Zircon staff is an industrious and talented group of people who are sincerely full of #@it. Therefore, take thee not a word uttered or written by this dastardly bunch seriously. The Zircon pages, aside from their obvious humor value, are worth a mere fraction of their printing cost. Happy reading, live long and prosper, may the road rise up to…

Silence Dogood — Staff Writer

A heavily marked-up copy of the Communist Manifesto and an eight-foot Soviet Flag were found in Student Government’s Campus Center office during an attempted prank.

The foiled prankster, John VanDutch, says he originally intended to cover the office with saran-wrap and toilet paper in the early hours of Tuesday, Nov. 27. Upon finding the offending objects, he claims to have immediately notified Dordt administration.

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“I thought it was just a meme page on Facebook,” VanDutch said in a phone interview from an undisclosed location, “but it goes so much deeper than that. The commies have wormed themselves into the very foundations of Dordt!”

VanDutch has gone into hiding in order to protect himself from possible retaliation by Student Government.

The unassuming office in which the offending book and flag were found is located on the first floor of Campus Center underneath the library. VanDutch reportedly saw the flag stretched across one wall over a small shrine bearing the Communist Manifesto surrounded by small electric tea-lights.

“This is completely normal,” Megan Van Den Berg, chair of Student Government, said when confronted about the book and flag, “the flag was on sale and one of our representatives is currently reading it for a class.”

Van Den Berg further claimed that the tea-lights “just happened” to spill out of a storage container and turned on all by themselves.

As a result of the discovery, the Dordt Republican and Democratic clubs joined together in a bipartisan protest against the apparent Communistic leanings of the college’s Student Government.

“Better dead than red!” the crowd of around thirty students chanted as they marched around the clock tower on Wednesday afternoon.

Student Government is a student-run body responsible for the overview of campus clubs, including the two political party clubs. The various representatives in Student Government are elected by their respective majors and dorm buildings. The protesters are circulating a petition to call for a special election of all positions within Student Government in order to “drain the prairie.”

Dordt University Communists, a Facebook meme page run by anonymous students, claimed in a post to have no inside knowledge of the matter, but welcomed their “new brothers and sisters in Marx.”

The Communist Manifesto, written in 1848 by German philosophers Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, outlines the platform and goals of the Communist Party.

It is also expected reading for the Modern Western Culture course, a CORE history course required of Dordt students.

Dordt administration notified President Erik Hoekstra at around 3am, nearly an hour after the office first became aware of the situation.

“Let us not forget the Christian tenants that Dordt was founded upon,” said Hoekstra when stopped outside his office, “and pray on this matter as we move forward in planning our next step.”

As of the evening of Nov. 28 there has been no official administrative decision regarding the future of Student Government. Until there is, protesters have pledged to continue chanting outside the Campus Center.

disclaimer.april27,1995

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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