Give us this day our Chick-fil-A

DISCLAIMER: The Zircon staff is an industrious and talented group of people who are sincerely full of #@it. Therefore, take thee not a word uttered or written by this dastardly bunch seriously. The Zircon pages, aside from their obvious humor value, are worth a mere fraction of their printing cost. Happy reading, live long and prosper, may the road rise up to…

Danielle T. Cathy—Staff Writer

Sioux Center Chamber of Commerce recently announced that a local businessman will be opening his very own Chick-fil-A on Main Street in spring of 2019.

Dale Zevenbergen, a former businessman and current professor at Dordt College, noted, “Sioux Center is the perfect metropolitan area for a booming business like Chick-fil-A.”

Although Sioux Center has a population of only 7,000 (not including livestock), Zevenbergen claims that the Sioux Center area acts more like a city of 10,000 as far as purchasing power goes. The tiny but mighty Dutch town of Orange City has been fighting for a new Chick-fil-A franchise for years, but ultimately, Sioux Center will be the location for the new business because of the community’s morals.

“Sioux Center is the heart of reformed culture in the Midwest that our Christian business was looking for,” said soon-to-be owner and fellow reformed Dutchman, Patrick Van-Den-Dyke-Berg-Visser. The Grand Opening will be especially monumental as an almond-flavored Chick-fil-A sauce will be introduced in April and exclusively offered at the Sioux Center restaurant.

Mr. Van-Den-Dyke-Berg-Visser noted in our interview that he will be looking for student employees who show the character traits of “hard work and diligence” as well as individuals who are “Dutch, Reformed, blond and nearly perfect.” Chick-fil-A CEO, Dan T. Cathy, did not want to comment on the status of Chick-fil-A as an equal opportunity employer.

“Here at Dordt College, we believe in hard work, the reformed tradition and good chicken sandwiches. We are so honored that Mr. Van-Den-Dyke-Berg-Visser has finally decided that Sioux Center will be the final resting place for his business,” Dordt’s President Hoekstra said.

Northwestern students in Orange City are planning a school walkout On December 7th to protest the introduction of Chick-fil-A to Northwest Iowa. Jon Veldheissen, president of the Northwestern College Democrats Club said, “We can’t stand restaurants like this…[Chick-fil-A] doesn’t support equal rights… all progress we have made towards equality will be lost. We must also support our local pork and beef farmers. Chick-fil-A is hurting the Iowa economy.” Mr. Veldheissen even said there are rumors of an Occupy Main Street event to protest the coming of Chick-fil-A.

Whether or not you like to eat chicken, Chick-fil-A is coming, and it’s coming in hot (just like its spicy chicken sandwiches).

disclaimer.april27,1995

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