J.D. Scholten discovered to be Dordt student

DISCLAIMER: The Zircon staff is an industrious and talented group of people who are sincerely full of #@it. Therefore, take thee not a word uttered or written by this dastardly bunch seriously. The Zircon pages, aside from their obvious humor value, are worth a mere fraction of their printing cost. Happy reading, live long and prosper, may the road rise up to…

Girth Von Dongselaar – Staff Writer

 One of the greatest mysteries surrounding the 2018 Iowa District 4 election was incumbent Steve King’s contender, J.D. Scholten. Scholten’s campaign raised big questions for voters: What does the J.D. stand for? Why is his head so shiny? Can baseball players really be politicians?

“I would’ve voted for J.D. if I knew what J.D. stood for,” said junior Mackenzie Van Fleeksma. “Not being able to know that sort of thing makes it difficult for me to truly trust someone.”

Now that the dust of the election has settled and thanks to the superior not-fake news reporting at the Zircon, we have tracked down J.D. Scholten, only to find him to be a senior construction management major here at Dordt.

The J.D. stands for Joel David.

Despite only being 22 years old and hailing from Byron Center, Michigan, Scholten was almost able to win the election.

“I would have done it, too, if people weren’t so close minded here,” Scholten said. “They just vote Steve King because he’s a Republican.”

Shockingly, Scholten isn’t even bald. He said he wore a bald cap to make it look like he had cancer try to drum up some sympathy votes.

When asked about how he was technically unable to run and yet still did, Scholten said, “Hey, you know, I got the big in, you know? I know people. Still don’t need corporate sponsors. Don’t @ me, Steve King.”

jdscholten

Photo by Girth Von Dongselaar

Kathy Smithsma, the leader of Dordt College Republicans described the situation as “typical Democrat trickery.”

“They [the Democrats] will do anything to win elections,” Smisthma said.

The Dordt College Republicans are currently staging a protest to have Scholten expelled from Dordt.

They also claim Scholten has anger issues, which he vehemently denied. On the other hand, the leader of the Dordt College Democrats, Willow Jasper, claimed that Steve King was still a more illegitimate candidate.

“I can guarantee you that the Russians hacked the election for Steve King,” Jasper said. “They’re really invested in small town politics.”

Despite history as a baseball player, Scholten does not play for Dordt. In fact, the only athletic involvement Scholten has is as the manager of the men’s soccer team.

“I’m too good for Dordt,” Scholten said. “Besides, baseball is just a metaphor for speaking softly and carrying a big stick.”

Most Dordt students seemed to be unphased by the developments.

“I voted for J.D. because a bunch of people in my CORE 399 told me too,” senior Veronica Bakersma said, “I think it’s cool J.D. is here at Dordt. If we can get Trump to go here, I think we can get anyone.”

When asked to clarify her claims, Bakersma said, she thought it’s great Dordt is getting representation in Washington. Bakersma said she’s glad J.D. won and wouldn’t clarify any further because she had to get to class.

Despite some campus support, life has still been hard for Scholten in dealing with his loss.

“I can’t believe I lost,” he said. “I wanna get my twenty bucks back that I paid that kid in CORE 399 to talk big about me.”

Scholten is also dealing with losing his love interest to another guy.

“I could have gotten her if I had won the election,” he said. “Why did you do this to me, King? Now I really have to senior scamble.”

Additionally, Scholten is receiving criticisms from President Hoekstra, who announced his own Congressional run. Hoekstra said that unlike Scholten, he’ll be able to get the job done.

“Whatever, Hoekstra,” retorted Scholten, “just watch, I’ll run for president of Dordt and I’ll beat you. Then I’ll cancel Dordt University out of spite.”

Scholten has yet to make a formal announcement regarding his candidacy.

 

 

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