MySpouse: Amazon gives hope to senior scramblers

DISCLAIMER: The Zircon staff is an industrious and talented group of people who are sincerely full of #@it. Therefore, take thee not a word uttered or written by this dastardly bunch seriously. The Zircon pages, aside from their obvious humor value, are worth a mere fraction of their printing cost. Happy reading, live long and prosper, may the road rise up to…

Mary Dahlreddi—Staff Writer

Amazon recently entered the fresh Christmas tree market, allowing families to gather around a laptop to choose a tree instead of bundling up to brave the elements. But just one month after announcing this new service, the e-commerce site has announced another feature which promises to do much more than bring Christmas cheer to your doorstep. In fact, it might bring cheer for years to come in the form of the love of your life.

myspouse

Contributed Photo

Amazon announced that it will begin delivering personalized spouses to the doorsteps of desperate singles through its new service, MySpouse.

Simply by entering a customer’s name and spouse height preference, Amazon can dig through social media user profiles, track customers’ locations, scan their emails, and even see which boy bands they “liked” back into 2008, all in an effort to find the perfect match. The concept is simple, and with just a few clicks, customers can avoid wasting their time and emotions on crushes who want to be nothing more than friends.

Some Dordt students are skeptical of MySpouse. Past failed dating experiences lead them to wonder how a computer-generated algorithm and Amazon match-makers thousands of miles away could find them someone better than the cuties they see on campus sidewalks and stalk on DCC.

Amazon’s response?

“Believe us, we know you better than you know yourself.”

Nick Vander Noep, a sophomore who claims to be “happily” single, is concerned that MySpouse allows students to play God by orchestrating their own relationships. Although a legitimate concern, dean of chapel Aaron Baart reassures students that MySpouse is “a great way to fulfill the marriage-shaped void in students’ lives.”

Unlike other Amazon packages, customers will not pick up their spouses at the Mailroom—they are humans, after all. An Amazon bus, equipped with seatbelts and air-conditioning to keep the perishable products happy and healthy, will drop them off near Dordt’s clock tower each Tuesday and Thursday. The company warns customers that they will not be accepting returns. Each spouse comes with a signed marriage license and a lifelong commitment.

Due to complicated logistics, the new service is only available to regions with high demand. Although an Amazon spokesperson said they had never heard of Sioux Center, Iowa, the demographics look promising.

“I cannot wait to place my order,” said Lauren DeSperrit, a senior scrambler. “I haven’t found a perfect man at Dordt, and I’m pretty frustrated that the college hasn’t fulfilled this promise it made when I came on a campus visit. Maybe MySpouse will actually get the job done.”

disclaimer.april27,1995

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