DISCLAIMER: The Zircon staff is an industrious and talented group of people who are sincerely full of #@it. Therefore, take thee not a word uttered or written by this dastardly bunch seriously. The Zircon pages, aside from their obvious humor value, are worth a mere fraction of their printing cost. Happy reading, live long and prosper, may the road rise up to…
Harry Flames—Staff Writer
Dordt bookstore dangerously underestimated public interest in a surprise Black Friday sale, with avid crowds from across the world rushing to take advantage of the cut prices.
The Dordt marketing team originally planned the Black Friday sale as a simple incentive to push out the Dordt University merchandise. They hadn’t expected much business because of Thanksgiving Break, not realizing the power of a “Black Friday Sale,” a title that causes manic chaos across the country from desperate shoppers every year.
Before the Dordt bookstore even opened, a line of sleeping shoppers flooded the campus center entrance. When asked about the excitement for the bookstore sale, one of these Black Friday devotees, Bertha Biglet, stated, “I don’t even know what Dork University is, but I sure know what a Black Friday sale is. And there’s no way I am passing up on buying things I’ve never wanted and don’t need when they’re cutting prices more than 50 percent!”
When the doors finally opened at 8:00 a.m., the crowds poured in like a pack of ravenous hyenas—laughing, crying and screaming as they snatched their prey. Some went for the Dordt University coffee mugs, on sale for only $52.00 compared to its normal $199.00 price tag, while others splurged on the usually $999.00 “Defender” sweater cut to just $400.00. Witnesses claim one man clung to dozens of crayon boxes, violently swinging his wiener dog like a sword, yelling, “They’re all mine! Only 50 cents apiece! Get away, you riff-raff!”
The bookstore workers were quickly overwhelmed by the voracious shoppers. By the time reinforcement workers arrived at 9:00 a.m., the crowds had bought up most of the products.
But the empty shelves did not deter the remaining shoppers who continued to pour in from across rural Iowa, drawn by word-of-mouth descriptions of mystical sales. The growing crowds quickly became impatient as Dordt marketing desperately tried to resupply the vacant store.
Soon, over 1,000 people formed a mob outside at the base of the clock tower and began rioting in protest. One such protestor, a Mr. Bubu McBubu said, “I want my flipping Durte University slippers on sale! They promised it in the KDCR radio ad!”
Sioux Center tried to send in local law enforcement to put down the mob, but the local police proved out-matched and ill-equipped to deal with an uprising this large. By the time the mob grew to 10,000 marchers, the Dordt Bookstore Black Friday riot had received national News attention, with CNN, FOX and every other major News network covering the unprecedented event live.
By 3:00 p.m., when Dordt merchandise suppliers had exhausted all reserve products, the National Guard was sent into Sioux Center to quell the mob. Fortunately, most of the staff and students were off campus for Thanksgiving, but those who weren’t were helicoptered out of the area.
The demonstration lasted through the night, with the exhausted 50,000 shoppers raiding the Commons for nutrition. Through the tear-gas that engulfed all of Dordt’s green spaces, chants could still be heard, including “We want sweaters” and “Not my Shalom.”
Even politicians weighed in on the bookstore shopping crisis. Senator Bernie Sanders said when interviewed, “The anger expressed by the peaceful protestors is a clear picture of America’s income inequality. While the top 1% get to hoard the highly valued Dordt University merchandise, the rest are left out to dry like so many in this economy.”
Even President Trump took part in the media frenzy, tweeting at 3:31a.m., “So Sad to see mob harrass the town of Sioux Center. VERY SAD! Obviously planned by Hillary Clinton to hurt the good people of Iowa, a fact ignored by the FAKE NEWS media! Tremendous work by the National Guard and myself in handling the situation.”
By Saturday morning, the 200,000 rioters had finally been dispersed, leaving fire and dust in their wake. Though the revenue of the sale exceeded Dordt’s predictions tenfold, most of the additional profits will be used for repairs to the estimated $10 million of damages caused by the shopping-mob.
President Hoekstra read a statement written by the board concerning the catastrophe saying, “We pride ourselves in our Student Engagement, but clearly we are not as well-equipped in Customer Engagement, as evident from the events on Black Friday. We are working with Student Health and the American Red Cross to compensate any of our workers psychologically scarred from the shopping disaster. The board is reweighing participating in a Black Friday sale for next year, specifically if it strengthens or weakens the Shalom we strive for here on campus. Our decision will be announced in the coming week.”