President Hoekstra announces Congress campaign

DISCLAIMER: The Zircon staff is an industrious and talented group of people who are sincerely full of #@it. Therefore, take thee not a word uttered or written by this dastardly bunch seriously. The Zircon pages, aside from their obvious humor value, are worth a mere fraction of their printing cost. Happy reading, live long and prosper, may the road rise up to…

Grit Danger el Danaovas – Staff Writer

The esteemed President of Dordt College, Dr. Erik Hoekstra, assembled #DefenderNation in the De Yager Activity Center to announce his bid for the House of Representatives.

President Hoekstra will be running in Iowa District 4 against long-term incumbent, the vile and hated Steve King.

“I don’t know a single Dordt student who wanted King to win this year,” Hoekstra said. “I’m doing this for #DCNation.”

Expressing disappointment over Steve King’s tenure, President Hoekstra claims he could “run the college, be in Congress and still accomplish more than Steve King ever did.” With this, Hoekstra states that he will not retire. The Board was asked to comment, but they needed to have a formal meeting prior to responding.

Hoekstra’s campaign manager will be provost extraordinaire Dr. Eric Forseth. “If we can handle this D.C., we can handle Washington D.C.,” he remarked.

hoekstraspeech

Photo by Darude Sandystorm

Another considered campaign manager was Vice President & Chief Administrative Officer, Howard Wilson. Wilson is known for his masterful mass emails that are as proportionally long as his title.

Although Wilson acknowledges how important mass emails can be in a political race, he felt that his skills were better put to use on campus. Regardless, he wished Hoekstra good providence.

Students at the event were whipped into a frenzy. T-shirts were thrown out and balloons rained from the ceiling onto a crowd of shouting students. Unlike the Dordt University event, the balloons fell on the first try.

“If J.D. can’t do it, I will,” proclaimed Hoekstra, to the cheering crowds (see Scholten’s response in page VI.) Sophomore Sam Van Shapiro, a political science major who attended the event called it “liberating” and claimed President Hoekstra would “destroy Steve King with facts and logic.”

Another student, a senior finance major Logan Belfort claimed the move was financially smart. He states Hoekstra’s campaign announcement is uplifting enough for morale that Dordt will no longer have to spend money to convert the prayer room into a safe space.

“Dordt spends $1,000 each for the benches in the skywalk, just saying,” Belfort added. The Zircon attempted to reach out to President Hoekstra to comment on the issue but has been unsuccessful, as he has recently revoked all Zircon press passes.

The Zircon also reached out to Representative Steve King for comment on these developments. When he returned our call, all he said was, “Who cares? I’ll still win,” and then immediately hung up.
disclaimer.april27,1995

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