Holiday horoscopes

DISCLAIMER: The Zircon staff is an industrious and talented group of people who are sincerely full of #@it. Therefore, take thee not a word uttered or written by this dastardly bunch seriously. The Zircon pages, aside from their obvious humor value, are worth a mere fraction of their printing cost. Happy reading, live long and prosper, may the road rise up to…

Aries: You should stop spending so much time looking at memes, and spend a little more time sharing those memes with those around you. Your situation will not necessarily change as a result, but you’ll feel better and it will keep the depression at bay, at least for a little while.

Ford Taurus: Make a nice hot bowl of soup. Wrap yourself up in a blanket like a human tortilla, and tuck your pants into your socks. Pour the soup all over the couch. We live in a society.

Gemini: Don’t forget to make time for your friends (except Becky, obviously).

Cancer: Stop Fortnite dancing in public.

Leopard: Skip class today. Take time to meditate. Listen to some fresh ASMR or low fi hip hop beats to chill/study to. By taking some time to relax, you’ll enter the final stretch of the semester refreshed and uncomfortably itchy.

Vertigo: Why do you sit in your room all day making Wii Sports live streams on Twitch? Please Trenton your mother and I are worried. It’s been 3 months and you still haven’t called us.

Library: Your passion for dinosaurs is unmatched. But a great archeological find is located right here on this very campus, just waiting to be discovered. So take hold of your pickaxe and start cracking away at that sidewalk.

Scorpion: Don’t stab your friends in the back. Tell them how you really feel. Don’t just passively aggressively leave spoiled fruit and Seinfeld DVDs at their door. Be forward with them and explain why you don’t like it when they pour water into your sock drawer.

Spaghetti: Are you seriously still studying for that O Chem quiz? You’re doomed, my dude. I would say quit while you’re ahead but you’re too far in now. That’s a tough break. Just remember that licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.

Caprisun: Nice. (You know what you did)

Aquarium: You will stumble upon an unopened box of suspicious cupcakes in the campus center stairwell. Whether or not you eat them will be up to you, but there’s no expiration date written on the box.

Pesto: You might be entering a relationship soon. Or leaving one. Or thinking about possibly maybe doing either of those things. I think that covers all the bases? I don’t know fam I don’t get paid enough to do this. Hey, do you guys ever miss Yik Yak? Man, those were the days.

disclaimer.april27,1995

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