Sandy Sanderford—Staff Writer
Sportsmanship points aren’t cutting it with Dordt administration anymore, and the men’s volleyball team is set to be one of the first to suffer.
After many years of wins and losses, the college has decided that it doesn’t have the budget to fund scholarships for the men’s volleyball team.
“Yeah, well, that escalated quickly,” said sophomore Chris P. Bacon. “When I heard the news, I was devastated. I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford college anymore without the scholarship.”
The scholarship money will go to the new Marriage Counseling Class for students who are serious about getting married.
Bacon, the team bench organizer, said that he’ll miss his job, which consists of organizing chairs by height. He also said that the guys on the bench have just as much, if not more fun, than the players.
“Sometimes, they’re competing against each other just to get off the court and on the bench,” Bacon said.
Athletic Director Glenn Bouma said that if student body can’t get their heads into sports, then coaches shouldn’t have to either.
“The students don’t come to support at away games, away tournaments, or even at home games for that matter,” Bouma said. “Actually, I think I saw one girl in the bleachers with a Dordt jacket last game. But it’s not a matter of the great cheers or the glory. We play so the parents of alumni players come to watch—but they don’t anymore.”
“I just don’t get why these boys can’t cover each square inch of the court,” said head coach Chad Hanson. “It’s like they want to be on the bench rather than on the court. They get more exercise during practice because they are practicing for these ridiculous dance moves rather than the drills we have planned for practice.”
The dance moves in question are all part of the celebration scene after each point. Athletes rival Oscar winners with their stellar acting, improvised moves, and intense routines after each great shot is made. The moves have been titled “rob the grave” (for a nice dig), “you can’t touch this” (for an ace), and “you help me up, I get down” (for a set into a spike).
When asked about their opinions on the scholarship’s loss, some students admit to having no idea men’s volleyball ever existed on campus. And that’s without even mentioning the Polo team, Bobsled team and Underground Doomsday team, which were discovered only after a lengthy search and at great personal risk to a Diamond reporter.
“I got cuts and bruises running away after uncovering the truth,” said Diamond reporter Sandy Sanderford.
However, the college claims “no comment” on the existence of these secretive sports teams.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said President Eruk Hoekstra. “It’s ridiculous, the allegations you’re bringing to us about this so-called men’s volleyball team or any of that other stuff. We already have the best women’s volleyball team around, why would we need another?”