West basement hides secret lazy river

Ima Cawp—Staff Writer

The inhabitants of West dorm received an unwelcome email late Saturday night. Several students had been working diligently on their assignments in the basement floor of West, when it became apparent that they were getting cold feet—and not because of homework. While these students began complaining to their peers, other students ran down to the basement to check out the damage.

Water seeped through the floor in multiple places, soaking the feet of desks, chairs and humans. This, coupled with evidence of a water shortage across the rest of campus, meant that the water was soon turned off in the dorms.

Maintenance staff soon came to investigate the water situation and started at the most logical place in the basement, the laundry room. Maintenance workers dumped all of the laundry out of the dryers and onto the flooded floor, in order to absorb moisture and decrease the water level. After the tide had receded a few inches, Wet-Vacs were brought down and electrical sockets dried out to employ fans.

However, this investigation almost spelled the end for West’s best-kept secret, when the steady flow of water led repairmen to an air vent behind one of the washing machines.
“I can practically see it now,” said junior Sally Rivera. “The headlines will be leaking out the news about our once-secret lazy river! Now everything’s ruined.”


FEATURE lazyriver

Contributed Photo

Hidden in one of the vents near the washing machines, one repairmen said, is the entrance to a super-secret lazy river, complete with inner tubes and fresh towels on hand. The river starts in the computer room and loops around itself, traveling underneath of the West dorm and covering almost a mile in distance.


Maintenance workers will neither confirm nor deny having traveled the river themselves to calculate the distance.

Rivera claims that she and her roommates discovered the river while playing hide and seek in the dorm one day while they procrastinated on homework.

“I always knew there was something sketchy in West,” said maintenance staffer Fred Fixit. “There were always too many people ‘doing homework’ in the basement. No one wants to be that studious.”

It took several days to dry out the basement, and as of now the vents have been permanently closed off to prevent unwanted flooding, swimming and fun. The computer room has gotten significantly emptier, and the stairway is frequented only by those carrying laundry. It still remains unknown whether the river will be reopened or permanently shut down.


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