Senior uncovers vampire blood drive

Heidi Way—Staff Writer

Vampires are drinking the blood of Dordt students and faculty under the ruse of a blood drive. Blood drive volunteers are actually a disguised band of traveling vampires.

The secret was uncovered when junior Suzy Van Drek walked in on one of the vampires transforming from bat form into human form.

“I’ve always been an avid reader of scary stories, so I knew right away that this was a vampire,” Van Drek said. “It was just like in Dracula!”

The campus is widely divided about the subject. Some students are upset and scared about this new discovery.

“I felt so betrayed,” sophomore Sam Hull said. “I can hardly believe a thing like this could persist on our campus for so long without being discovered. I’m never going to sleep again.”

Other students were rather chill about the discovery.

“Well, the whole point of the blood drive was to save lives. Since vampires need blood to survive, this is really a win/win situation,” senior Jamie Blumen said. “They get to eat, and we get fun stuff like tickets to a Sioux City Explorers game or a pint of ice cream.”

As there are references to vampires in many cultures and myths, it can be difficult to sort fact from fiction. This blood drive discovery has prompted debate among students concerning whether they are in danger of becoming infected and turning into vampires themselves.

“It’ll be like humans vs zombies, but way more extreme—and I’m really bad at that game,” sophomore Alex Vynstro said. “To be safe, I’m going to build a bunker out of garlic in my dorm before anything starts.”

Bob Gegulga, a self-proclaimed vampire expert, thinks the student population is safe from turning into vampires.

“I don’t think that there will be a vampire outbreak,” he said. “The vampire virus is transmitted if they transfer some of their blood into you, kind of like mosquitoes. So as long as they’re not actually biting anyone, it should be safe.”

The alleged vampires themselves declined to comment.

disclaimer.april27,1995

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