Spotlight Student: Ami Stowart declared a freakin’ idiot

Anne O. Nimus- Staff Writer

 

ami stewart

Contributed Photo

This has gone on long enough. It’s time to talk about sophomore Ami Stowart.

 

Maybe you’ve seen her working at the library. Maybe you’ve see her doing her weird crouch/run/weaving thing.

But we need to address the facts: She cannot function. She just can’t.

Her one ability is this: making any simple task as complicated and overwhelming as possible.

“When she was a freshman I saw her walk into the Commons and just start crying because there were too many choices,” said Rebecca Graninga, a junior.

She has also been seen failing to open her mailbox properly and struggling to set up a camera tripod.

But she has pretty good fashion sense. She can be seen wearing unexpected color combinations and oversized flannel shirts. Somehow she pulls them off—while keeping them on. So… she has two abilities, I guess. But that’s it.

There is no way she could defend herself in a fight.

“Her strength is nonexistent,” Graninga said. “One time, my friend Jamal just grabbed the strap on the top of her backpack and Ami kept walking in circles and wailing because she couldn’t get away.”

She’s easily frightened. Taylor Swift’s new album makes her nervous because it’s—in Ami’s own words—“edgy.” But she’s not talking about “Look what you made me Do.” She means “Ready for It.”

“The instrumentation at the beginning is just so heavy,” Stowart said.

Her inability to function should come as no surprise. From birth, there have been hints that her life would turn out crappy. Shortly before she was born, her mother got in a fender bender. When Ami was born, it became apparent that she had gotten scared.

“I was born covered in poop, and I’m planning on going out the same way,” Stowart said.

Seriously. If you see her, help her. Save her from her own idiocy.

disclaimer.april27,1995

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