Pseudo Nym—Staff Writer

After intensive investigation, the Siouxland Reformation Society has revealed that the biology department is at the center of an underground Wiccan coven at Dordt College. The extent of infiltration into the biology faculty and curriculum is still unclear, but at least eight professors are known to be involved. Administration was notified about this secret group via a Facebook post by the Reformation Society on April 4, but has not released a public statement.

The operation of this religiously deviant group went undetected for what appears to have been years, but a recent uptick in activity gave Reformation Society members enough leads to confirm their suspicions. Reformation Society operatives tirelessly staked out biology labs and meticulously documented the activities of suspected witches.

Contributed Photo

It appears that the Wiccan community heavily influenced the design of the recent science building renovations. The increased ventilation in lab rooms has helped to hide burnt offerings and candle-lit ceremonies, and the cadaver lab provided a hidden location for the practice of necromancy. Thankfully, these renovations were noticed by the Reformation Society, and they increased their surveillance efforts.

Society members pieced together several seemingly unrelated occurrences to better understand the operations of the Wiccan coven. The loss of a goat from the Agricultural Stewardship Center, initially attributed to coyotes, was linked to a mysterious “steak” substance being served in the stir-fry line at the Commons. This prompted investigators to look into the source of the “steak,” which they found to have been delivered by Professor DeHeks directly from the biology dissection room. When DeHeks was asked for comment, she attempted to curse the interviewer by speaking backwards in Latin while drawing a pentagram in blood on her desk. An anonymous source inside the Reformation Society explained that they believe the goat was stolen by biology department head Dr. Tovenaar and used in a Samhain ritual sponsored by the department, after which the goat was butchered and mixed in with the Commons’ steak delivery.

The most conclusive evidence of the heretical group came in the form of an online posting of the “Dordt College Heathens” on Witchvox, a popular Wiccan website. The group is described as a “haven for all followers of pagan religious persuasions,” and assures that, “if you’re exploring paganism while at Dordt College, you aren’t alone.” The listed founding of the group was in 2002, but they have maintained a low enough profile that they have gone undetected until now. The Siouxland Reformation Society is skeptical about the ability of a group this large to go undetected for so long, and they believe the practice of witchcraft might extend further up into the college administration. President Eruk Hoekstra, when asked to comment, said:

“Dordt College is dedicated to maintaining both a Christian worldview and a campus environment of openness to new ideas. I can’t speak to the specifics of the allegations surrounding the biology faculty, but I can assure you that all of our faculty and staff strive to follow what they believe to be a biblical and reformational lifestyle.”

It remains to be seen what actions, if any, administration will take to prevent the further spread of witchcraft at Dordt, but thanks to the courageous work of the Siouxland Reformation Society, we know of the heresy that lurks among us.