This article was published in our bimonthly satire issue: The Zircon.
Anneli Kanerva–Staff Writer
The old greenhouse near the science building is worn-down, relatively unused and the perfect place to hide a drug ring.
On Nov. 7, Blaze Stinkweed, Mary Jane Pot and Herb Reefer were expelled from Dordt for growing, selling, and smoking Marijuana out of the old greenhouse on campus.
The school first learned of the situation when an anonymous source informed the school of smoke rising from the building at 20 minutes past 4:00p.m. every day. The school immediately began an investigation into the report and discovered the students had been growing and smoking weed in the greenhouse since the beginning of the semester.
“It was pretty easy to be honest,” Pot said. “We all watch Breaking Bad but none of us like chemistry, so we figured we could change it to fit our mutual strength: agriculture. We just bought the seeds online and had them shipped here. Later, we got a key to the greenhouse and we were golden.”
On Nov. 6, the school seized an unprecedented 20 marijuana plants from the greenhouse along with several hundred kilos of dried product from the students’ dorm rooms. All three of the agriculture students have refused to explain how they grew so much by themselves.
“We are baffled at how they were able to grow so much,” said a Dordt representative. “It’s almost impressive. Just goes to show how good our agriculture students are at what they do.”
The students did not offer a defense for their actions and told the school their exact motives for creating their illegal business.
“We’re broke college kids, we needed the money,” Reefer said. “The growing and selling part was just to cover tuition. The smoking part was just for fun, man, you know what I’m saying?”
When asking students around campus how they felt about the events, there were a wide variety of sentiments. Some were sad to hear about the expulsion of their classmates, while others thought it was warranted.
“Dang, there goes my supplier,” said Zachary Hughes, a senior at Dordt. “Truthfully, I don’t see what the big deal is about weed in Iowa. It’s legal where I’m from! I guess Colorado is just ahead of the curve, man.”
Nancy White, a junior at Dordt, said, “I think they earned it, they didn’t even think the whole thing through. I watch a lot of Narcos on Netflix, so if they’d asked for my help they never would have gotten caught.”
The expelled students are already making plans to continue their college education despite the set-back. Stinkweed plans to attend University of Colorado Boulder, Pot plans to attend University of Washington and Reefer plans to attend University of California-Berkeley. Not coincidentally, marijuana is legalized for recreational use in all of these states.