This article was published in our bimonthly satire issue: The Zircon.
Klarissa Crayonedge–Staff Writer
It’s that time of the semester when students’ stress is high and motivation is low. For some more intense majors, motivation is nowhere to be found. Engineering majors’ motivations especially are at an all-time low.
Local search and rescue efforts were deployed last week after civil engineering junior Harvey Van Hollandsma called to file a missing person’s report on his motivation.
“I just started freaking out when we sat down to work on our final projects the other night,” Van Hollandsma said. “I had absolutely no desire to accomplish this task whatsoever, and neither did my motivation; so it did what any stress-induced college student’s motivation would do—it disappeared.”
Search and rescue officials soon appeared on-scene, first starting in Van Hollandsma’s East Campus apartment. They then spread out in all directions, going as far as Struble to the south, Newkirk to the east, Hull to the north and Lebanon to the west. After three days and several attempts to find Van Hollandsma’s motivation, all efforts were proven to be futile.
“Dang it,” Van Hollandsma said. “I know they tried the best they could, but now I’m going to have to muster up enough new motivation to get this project done. Maybe the officials can write me a note for my professor to get me out of the project.”
In the case that you too are failing to locate your motivation, Campus Security encourages students to call in and file lost-and-found reports or fill out missing person’s information checklists. However, they can’t make any promises about successfully tracking down the motivation to look at the paperwork, and this time of year seems to be the busiest for them.
“Mid-November until mid-December, my guys are just swamped with calls,” said Bryce Oostra, head of Sioux County’s search and rescue team. “We’ll do the best we can, but we give each case only three days – two if we’re really busy. We urge students to call us as a last resort.”