This article was published in our bimonthly satire issue: The Zircon.
Heidi Way – Staff Writer
Last Saturday, students were in an uproar during an organized protest outside Covenant Hall’s laundry rooms. A resident of Covenant Hall, sophomore Becca Blizzard, had discovered two laundry machines in the far corner larger than the others, but for the same price.
“Normally it takes two loads for me to get all the laundry done,” said Blizzard. “I ended up going to the far corner to put my laundry in that fateful day, and noticed something was different about these machines. I was all too right, I only had to do one load! But it was the same price!” said Blizzard. “Can you believe it? It’s twice the size! All this time I could’ve saved so much money. I’ve been cheated!”
Political Science junior Erika Hunter organized the protest, appealing to her fellow students’ sense of justice.
“We have been oppressed for too long!” Hunter said as she stood in front of the crowd, “See how the upper classes are abusing their power. These unfair laundry practices are a sign of the long-standing oppression of the elitists. The time to strike is now! We must put an end to it before this college becomes a despotic state!”
The mass of upset students began marching towards President Hoekstra’s office to make their complaints heard.
College students are notoriously conservative with their money. The average Dordt student is even more so, due to the heavy influence of Dutch culture and their renowned thriftiness. It didn’t take long for the situation to boil over. Students began fighting over the machines. People crowded around the two washers, trying to get their laundry in. Students shouted, jostled and even called names. Someone reportedly took another person’s laundry out of the machine while it was running. Campus Security had to be called in to keep the peace.
The administration has expressed confusion at the chaos.
“It’s really a great system,” said Greta Nell, a member of the housekeeping staff. “This way students can choose whether to do a lot of laundry or a little laundry and nobody has to pay more! I’m honestly not sure what everyone’s upset about.”
When originally purchasing the machines, Dordt had the option of either choosing washing machines that were all the exact same size but different prices, or having different sizes with the same price. Ultimately they decided to go with the second option.
“We thought it would be less confusing that way, and nobody has to pay more. It’s a win-win,” said Cindy Groeneweg, Dordt’s Facilities & Services Coordinator.
President Erik Hoekstra commented that perhaps there was not enough variety in washing machine size, and commented on future plans.
“We’re phasing out the current machines,” Hoekstra said in an interview as the crowd of students chanted outside his office. “Each new one will have a random capacity anywhere between two tons and a single sock. Of course, to keep things simple and fair, it’s all going to be the same price.”
Lucinda Woods offered an opposing opinion with the support of her roommate Blizzard. “I’m not sure the machines are quite double the size. Last I checked, the only reason that you had to do two loads in the smaller ones was because you had just a few extra clothes, so you split the load into two half-loads. I mean, that technically still makes the two machines bigger, but not by much.”
The protest was eventually quelled to some degree, but students in all areas of campus remain disgruntled.
“This is outrageous!” senior Matt Bluman said. “First I lost a sock, and now this! I’ve just about had enough. That this would be allowed to happen for so long… it really shows the sad state of America today,”
Despite the complaints, Dordt administration does not seem willing to change their current plans regarding the washing machines.
“I don’t get what everyone is getting so worked up about,” Groeneweg said. “We’re giving them more choices. Isn’t that a good thing?”