This article was published in our bimonthly satire issue: The Zircon.
Edwardo Snowmon–Staff Writer
Searching and looking for roommates or a current or potential significant other? Dordt students no longer need to go to DCC to know where their friends’ rooms are, neither do they need to send messages regarding when they would be eating.
Starting after Thanksgiving, Dordt is expanding the capabilities of the Eatable app with a new feature called FindMe. The new feature will be able to track and monitor other students with the goal of building community.
“The purpose is for student to be able to build community by quickly finding their friends and perhaps their significant other,” said Robert Taylor, Director of Lots of Things, while looking at his computer that shows little blinks of where students are.
FindMe would works by having “Location” search for other students with the app. Once registered, you can find and track the movement of others, and they can do the same for you. For an added bonus, anytime a person appears in the Commons or the Grille alone, their status will automatically be changed to “Alone, and in need of company.”
“I have been trying to find time to meet up with [junior] Brian de Smith, and, you know, get closer to him. He’s so shalom-y,” said super senior Maddie DeVon, who failed to get her Mrs. Degree in four years and was held back from graduating. “This app would enable me to know where he is at all times. I cannot wait for the end of Thanksgiving break to come, and for the search to begin.”
DeVon is not alone. Few Dordt seniors that are about to graduate have been able to complete the additional Core requirement of an Mrs. Degree, and those unhappy students hope that this app will bring them closer to their goal. For freshman, the new feature would be invaluable for helping them get a ring before spring and be married off during the summer.
“I heard once you are married, you get half-off tuition” said Engineering freshman Jake VanMon. “I don’t have a girlfriend yet, but this [app] would certainly increase my chances. I barely have enough time to meet new people, or to begin starting a relationship. There’s not a lot of engineers who have time to find searching singles. This app will surely help with that.”
The Eatable app, introduced during this semester, received a positive response from over 75% of Dordt students, many of whom stopped using their cards at all in favor of the new app.
“This new feature is just like extra pepperoni on the Grille pizza,” said freshman Brett VanWall.
However, there are several students who are skeptical of the addition.
“The tracking features are a violation of people’s privacy. I don’t want some creep knowing where I am 24/7. Privacy trumps community,” said de Smith.
But Taylor disagreed.
“That’s not the purpose of the app. Students who say otherwise don’t understand community and perhaps should think about taking Core 100 again. We want students to strive to fulfill Dordt’s goal of being both number one in engagement, and number one in the hearts of the community. It’s not like we’re especially tracking students who are known for pulling pranks, or anything like that. We definitely don’t hire people to pose as students and collect that kind of information, not at all.”
FindMe will be going live yesterday.