The real senior scramble

This article was published in our bimonthly satire issue: The Zircon.

a senior genuinely terrified about the future – staff writer

What art this horror that doth appear before mine eyes? ‘Tis my destiny, the darkness of oblivion and unemployment.

I went to the job fair on campus the other day, since I, as a responsible senior, figured it was probably about time I started figuring out what I’m going to do with my life. I stood over by the Grille for like ten minutes, then walked around the aisles of booths for the different companies there and avoided eye contact with every single person who looked official. I then held my free professional padfolio closely to my chest and hurried out the door and back to my apartment. Ah, what a successful evening of job-hunting. This is the most progress I’ve made in the “future employment” sphere of my life so far!

Turns out staring at the hiredefenders website also does not help, as I have done that for myriad hours at a time, only to have received zero multi-million-dollar-salary job offers (so far). I’ll stay posted, but it doesn’t appear to be promising so far. I even clicked on a couple of them, but the links didn’t automatically give me a job. I’m an intelligent, overachieving, ultimately perfect, millennial student of a private college, and am thus entitled to whatever job my mouse hovers above and clicks upon.

But seriously. Every time I make an attempt at finding jobs online, it seems like I run into some trouble with one thing or another. One job posting says the company is looking for applicants with a certain major. Alright, it’s fine. Let me just change my major real quick. Another wants to hire an individual with 3-5 years of experience for its entry-level position. That’s cool. It’s not like I’ve been striving toward just passing my many classes these past few years. I totally had time to be part of a large corporation’s communications department for the past five years. It’s fine. Still another company promises work for a year but then it’s all up in the air after that. Where is the stability? It must have disappeared with the last semblance of ability I thought I had before attempting to apply to these career fields.

It’s FINE. I’m totally fine.

Clearly I’m also a liar, as this job search has driven me to complete insanity. How do people do this? My high school guidance counselor made it sound so easy, like I just had to chill in his office for a good five minutes taking a career test, look at my top options, quick pick one, then go to school and get a job and live with that decision forever. Super easy. High school me was all like, “We got this, future me.” And present me is like, “Past me, what are you doing?” And now I’m, like, screaming internally all the time without a promised paycheck to alleviate the agony of my vocal chords.

I am absolutely terrified to start applying for jobs, considering I’m not even sure what I want to do with my life. I am also thoroughly terrified of not having a job when I move back home. It’s a fun dichotomy, and definitely hasn’t kept me up at three in the morning, staring at the black hole of darkness where the ceiling should be, pondering ways to explain to my great-aunt who told me she was proud of me once that I’m incapable of accomplishing anything more than working at Starbucks part-time while living in my parents’ basement.

I have a mini-fridge that has the perfect height for a bottle of wine, I guess, so it really could be worse. I’ve rescinded each of my dreams slowly up until now, and this is what I’m meant to be. If only there was an office on campus that could console me, one that could lead me to the light of future employment, one to help encourage me and edit my experienceless resume, one to work with me and find a career fitted for my gifts and abilities, one right here in the Campus Center, within walking distance of my apartment. If only someone could point me towards a job.

disclaimer.april27,1995

 

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