This article was published in our bimonthly satire issue: The Zircon.
Mack Ranum—Staff Writer
This is the second year in a row Dordt has received #1 in student engagement in the Wall Street Journal. As such, engagement expectations are similarly soaring.
Dordt’s newest club, “Dordt Together Forever” recently emerged to celebrate this achievement. The club welcomes everyone, and as of their meeting last Monday has 76 attending members and over 200 social media members. The purpose of the club is singly focused – any suspicion of potential marriages is tracked down and recorded instantly.
However, because of the club there has been some confusion. According to Janice Rich, club organizer, 5 out of 6 students walking around campus seen wearing rings are confused for being engaged.
“I was so sorry! I had just momentarily confused my right and left,” said Jane Van Den Derp (married), after congratulating a bewildered freshman in the library. In response, purity rings and graduation rings have been packed away in sock drawers and pencil boxes to avoid embarrassment.
“I can’t believe it; a $200 ring just sitting on the shelf. But there’s no way I’m flashing that in the Commons!” said sophomore Maurica Smith (single), when asked about her class ring. Even students with dollar-store, birthday-party favor trinkets are peeved but not brave enough to stand up to nosy fellow students or the intense curiosity of “Dordt Together Forever” club members.
Quiz Bowl chose all their questions for this year related to historical marriages to commemorate Dordt engagement, according to Jakob Smithereen, quiz bowl coordinator (engaged). However, not all of the questions were necessarily historical – some of them rather personal, said Smithereen. One of the team members faces (single) was reported to turn tomato red during a portion of the quiz bowl.
Dordt wants to students to feel safe, and continue their education without fear of suspected engagement, said a Student Services representative (engaged).
Consequently, to avoid confusion, Dordt requires any students who are engaged or married to receive “#1” temporary tattoos to differentiate them from other students and resolve any conflict that might arise. The cost of the tattoos will be fully covered by an anonymous donor.
Any students dating are required to pick up their temporary tattoos from Health Services by the first day of classes in January and apply them where they are easily visible. The use of forehead space is strongly suggested.
In the meantime, the college hopes to successfully resolve potential engagement confusion while celebrating their highest national achievement of bringing people together. Forever.