This article was published in our bimonthly satire issue: The Zircon.
Anneli Kanerva–Staff Writer
Since the beginning of the semester, students have seen English professor Mary Dengler making her way around campus with a boot on her leg. Despite the injury, Dengler has continued to instill fear in her students while on crutches or zooming around in a power-chair.
Students around campus have theorized and whispered rumors about how she injured her leg, but even the most far-fetched theories cannot compare to the actual story.
A video has surfaced on Youtube showing an epic sparring match between Connor “The Notorious” McGregor, a UFC cage fighter, and an unknown female. In the video, the woman and McGregor spar intensely for the majority of a round before the woman sustains an injury. Before the video cuts out, McGregor lands a powerful kick to the woman’s lower leg and she collapses to the ground.
For months, the internet has been theorizing about the mystery woman’s identity, but her hair and the angle of the video hide her face entirely from view. Some speculated that she was a fellow MMA fighter, others said she was a stunt woman or amateur fighter.
However, using advanced biometric technology, the Diamond has been able to identify the unknown fighter using a clear shot of the woman’s ear. The technology revealed that the ear was a 98.7% match to Dengler.
This match was publicly confirmed by McGregor, who said, “She’s one of my favorite people to spar with, she really holds her own. Honestly, I would say she beats me 50% of the time. I felt pretty terrible when I hurt her leg, but she knows my weaknesses now. I’ll have no chance the next time we fight.”
Dengler has yet to comment on the video, but many professors are unsurprised by this discovery. Some of her fellow professors say she is “the scariest person I know” and that she is “actually Chuck Norris.”
A professor who has chosen to stay anonymous said that Dengler terrified him into starting the Kuyper Scholars Program, Dordt’s honors program. Students in KSP are notorious around campus for balancing continually on the edge of insanity and can often be found procrastinating and talking to themselves at extremely late hours of the night.
A professor from University of Nevada, where Dengler previously taught, said that he once witnessed her roundhouse-kick seven men who tried to mug her. She knocked the men unconscious with a single kick, and the muggers later went to jail for the attempt.
“I always knew she had a dark side,” said sophomore Mandy Marsh, a KSP student. “I can totally see her as that one guy from Fight Club or Bruce Lee. Either way, I would not want to run into her in a dark alley.”