This article was published in our bimonthly satire issue: The Zircon.
Ri Porter- Staff Writer
It is a common assumption that college students never sleep. With all the schoolwork, sports, extracurricular activities and general socializing that happens on campus, this saying rings true for many.
But sometimes, it is unavoidable to put off sleep until an ungodly hour. Senior mechanical engineer Zeke DeKlok has advice for the average student to get a good night’s sleep.
“Whenever I head to bed, I check the clock and mentally calculate how many hours there are until I wake up,” DeKlok said.
The process looks something like this: DeKlok goes to bed at 2 a.m. He has five and a half hours until he has to wake up for his 8 a.m. He lays down and stews over this fact for a while. The time is now 2:20. He thinks to himself, “If I fall asleep in the next ten minutes, I’ll get a full five hours of sleep.” A few minutes come and go and he starts stewing over the time again. He checks the clock: 3 a.m.
“Unless I fall asleep right now, I won’t even get four and a half hours of sleep.”
And so on.
“It does the double service of making me appreciate sleep more and making me regret every decision I made that day,” DeKlok said.
Often, he does not need to employ this technique, as he just passes out in the middle of doing long math problems and sleeps wherever he’s sitting.
But for nights when his brain has been too focused for too long and won’t stop churning about homework and deadlines, his technique comes in handy.
The trend seems to be catching on.
“See, I used to just mindlessly lay in my bed at night,” freshman Tay KeBrake said. “But then I talked with Zeke. His technique just adds another element of excitement to my already stressful life. It’s perfect.”
KeBrake is not the only one following DeKlok’s example. The mental calculation technique is helping to grow community and camaraderie on Dordt’s campus.
“You can tell when other people have been employing the technique,” DeKlok said. “Because they’ve all got matching bags under their eyes.