This article was published in our bimonthly satire issue: The Zircon.
A Very Unbiased Comrade—State Writer
Nov. 7, 2017, the 100-year anniversary of the Bolshevik Revolution. On this day, the Dordt College Communist Club banded together to celebrate the occasion by having a revolution of their own. Witnesses said that a massive army of students dressed in fur hats and red coats and armed with loaves of bread stormed the Campus Center early last Tuesday morning.
Student Symposium officials immediately called campus security in an attempt to extinguish the fiery flames of the kindred spirit, but efforts quickly failed when several students stood in front of the clock tower and gave rousing speeches calling their brethren to join in the “toppling” of “the oppressive oligarch regime that is Dordt’s corrupt capitalist government.”
After attempts to shut down the gathering were foiled by the united power of the working proletariat, the means of resource production were gradually seized. First, the assets of the Ag Stewardship Center were re-distributed among the student body, followed closely by the ration stores in the Commons and the Grille.
The following day, President Hoekstra called an emergency parliamentary meeting between administration officials and the unofficial club, whose presence up until now had been limited to a simple Facebook meme page. Negotiations ultimately fell flat, as the Communist Party had secured a strong base of support on campus. Party leaders demanded the current administration be dismantled due to their “long history of defending the bourgeoisie, putting the interests of the few above the needs of the many.”
Administration officials were relieved of their duties, effectively agreeing to the demands of the proletariats and dismantling his autocratic position permanently, establishing Dordt College as the first private Christian educational institution to have a democratically socialist system of government.
“It was a great victory for the masses,” said Political Science professor Jeff Taylor, who would’ve been named head of Dordt’s official new communist party if communists believed in a hierarchy of authority.
Following the meeting, all classes were canceled and a campus-wide celebration was held. The flag of the Soviet Union was raised. The campus instrumental and vocal ensembles banded together and performed a tear-inducing rendition of the National Anthem of the USSR, “Be glorious, our free Fatherland.” A statue of Vladimir Lenin, sculpted by the art department, was raised in the center of campus. The army marched across the football field and gave a 1,917 gun salute to those fallen comrades who had given the ultimate sacrifice of time out of their very busy schedules to aid in the revolution.
Campus buildings have since been renamed after Communist leaders. The BJ Haan Auditorium was officially renamed “the Karl Marx auditorium,” the De Witt Gymnasium has been dubbed “The Friedrich Engels house of physical activities” and the Ribbens Academic Complex is now “the Leon Trotsky facility for common education.”
Meanwhile, the press, who has definitely not been silenced and isn’t at all being forced to write propaganda for their glorious leaders, had the chance to interview comrades about the revolution.
“I think it’s really great that the laborers finally have their voices heard,” said former Director of Student Activities Derek Buteyn, who was not tied to a chair in his office when the interview was conducted, contrary to popular belief. “The working class shall no longer suffer.”
Buteyn’s position has since been changed to “Director of Campus Comradery.”
Early this week, all majors and degrees were declared null and void by the new government. Former agriculture students grabbed scythes and sickles and set to work reaping the bounty of the prairie, harvesting the fruits of their shared labor.
Engineering students grabbed hammers and began reconstructing the campus, while the humanities departments were reassigned to making red and gold paint and set to work redecorating the campus.
All science department funding and research efforts have been redirected toward building satellites and space shuttles. The chemistry and physics departments have since announced an upcoming “test” that will “fully display the military capabilities of our great state.” Interestingly, the former business and economics students were nowhere to be found.