This article was published in our bimonthly satire issue: The Zircon.
Ezekiel Don–Staff Writer
Dordt has decided to go Amish. The increased rate of students facing depression due to a two day Facebook outage and the crashing of a Vietnamese clothing factory pushed Dordt administration over the edge.
Dordt College has decided to withdraw itself from the age of computers, smartphones and social media.
They plan on fully mirroring the lifestyle of Amish communities.
Starting next school year, the teachings of Abraham Kuyper and John Calvin will no longer be the major doctrine that Dordt adheres to and continually references. Both Calvin and Kuyper are to be replaced by Jakob Ammann, the founder of Amish Movement.
“Technology in our life brings nothing but addiction. These addictions have caused Dordt Student to spend hours of their time going on Facebook,” said President Erik Hoekstra. He has asked not to be called president anymore but now prefers Brother Hoekstra. “Student grads have plummeted. And this is the solution we have decided upon.”
He is not wrong. According to a recent statistic, Dordt students spend 15 hours a day on Social Media. Students’ average grades have dropped from B’s to C’s.
“Facebook stops essential human communication,” Hoekstra said. “Technology does this in general. Dordt is losing its community because of technology and adhering to the Amish lifestyle will help put an end to this.”
Many Dordt students are not pleased.
“We need our smartphones and we need our computers,” said Andrea Van Opps, a junior. “I can’t live without them.”
Brother Calvin, a theology Professor at Dordt, believes that adapting to the Amish lifestyle is essential to solving societal issues.
“Technology has caused major problems in the world,” Calvin said. “First, there is waste from unused phone and computers. Secondly, much of technology we use is built by children. Dordt cannot support this, we are doing this out of an effort to minimize child labor.”
Most of the smartphones that people buy are created from the materials discovered in mines in Congo worked in by children.
Core 100, currently called, Kingdom Identity and Calling, will be replaced with Community, Meditation, and Work. In this class, incoming freshman will be required to spend 1 hour a day working on the Dordt Farm, one hour a day in class learning the value of community and one hour a day focused on meditation.
What frustrates students the most is the new Attire that they will be forced to wear. Women will be required to wear a long colorless dress and a hat that completely covers their head. Men will be required to wear black pants and a flat wide-brim hat.
“We will look like we are going to a funeral,” said Brian Van Dorm, a junior.
“Students should not be distracted by the things of this world such as clothing,” Calvin said. “They must be free of this. We are called not to worry about our clothing. Our urge for clothing has forced people around the world to work in small stuffy rooms making the things we wish to wear. The clothing that students will wear will be handmade. We wish to decrease their interest in the material and perishable things.”
Canvas, Dordt Administration says, will be replaced by chalk boards. Students must make their own personal chalk boards to use as planners. Every students grades will also be placed on a large chalk board in the middle of campus.
“Adapting to the Amish way of life is nothing new and is done in a lot of countries and different educational systems around the world,” Calvin said.
The aim, Dordt says is to help increase community at Dordt, as well as detangle itself from system in the world that both intentionally and unintentionally promotes human suffering.