Luke Robert Venhuizen-Staff Writer
It’s senior year, and I have yet to find the love of my life at Dordt. I know that seems nearly impossible, and yet I am one of the few that has defied all odds and made it through almost four years without finding a bae.
I am using my rank on The Diamond to sneak this article into the paper. Ashley thought I was writing an article on the art of ‘Senior Scrambling’ and what it is like to be single. Well, I can tell you that singleness has its perks, but guess what—I’m sick of it.
So here is my final, desperate attempt at finding love. If the girls shown receiving roses on the TV in SV 202 can find love, then I can too!
I am calling all single ladies to send their dating applications to my personal email, firstname.lastname@example.org or call my personal assistant at 867-5309.
Before I get ahead of myself, a little about me:
I am a senior Communications major at Dordt College. I have never been in a relationship before, so you shouldn’t expect much. I am emotionally constipated so don’t expect much on that end either. I think I’m funny sometimes, but most people give me pity laughs, at minimal. My mom said I couldn’t come home unless I brought a girlfriend along. Don’t worry my fam-jam is nice, so meeting them will be chill. My favorite thing to do is instigate random dance parties, so please be prepared to be thoroughly embarrassed when I break it down in front of the clock tower when the fly hymnz play every 15 minutes.
Here are some requirements:
- Must love Jesus.
- Prefer the girl to be Dutch, but will settle for someone who can make some mean Oliebollen.
- Must be fluent in movie quotes (especially Mean Girls).
- Be willing to move out of Iowa.
- Must be shorter than me (I’m 5’10’’).
- Instagram must be fire.
- A minimum of five years of selfie experience.
- Needs to be single.
- Must have 10+ years as an experienced nap taker.
- Organization skills, because I’m a hot, unorganized mess.
- Has a Netflix account.
- Can get down with their bad self on the dance floor.
- Cannot like country music.
Please send in a resume and cover letter that’s lit. If it’s boring, then sorry – it’s not you, it’s your letter, but I have a lot of single roommates that I could refer you to.
Ladies, send in your applications quick! Remember, I only have five weeks left until I graduate.
Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.