Mack Rahmum-Staff Writer
Dordt received yet another ranking this past week, this time for offering the greatest on-campus burger line in the state.
“Dordt’s been getting recognized left and right!” said Advancement employee Amee Jones, who promotes awareness of the rankings around campus. She expressed Dordt pride by plastering relevant articles all over her office door, and she willingly offers to explain them to anyone who shows the smallest bit of interest.
However, the latest ranking – the one ranking Dordt as second in campus beauty – depressed her.
“We were so close to getting first! Where is there a more beautiful campus than Dordt?” said Jones. She had called the CUO (Christian Universities Online) to place a complaint on behalf of Dordt’s faculty, but has yet to receive a reply.
Dordt received a multitude of rankings in the past academic year, including:
- #1 in Student Engagement in the nation (Wall Street Journal)
- #2 in Most Beautiful Campus in the Midwest (CUO)
- Best Bang for the Buck School (Washington Monthly)
- One of the strangest art collections in the conservative Midwest (Reader’s Digest)
- The Only Christian College in Iowa with the College of Distinction Award
- The most confusing parking space in Northwest Iowa (Sioux Center Rides)
“What difference does it make, anyways?” said freshman Dave Berg, “Other colleges receive just as much praise, only for other stuff.” Other students agree that rankings are only as popular as the student body that makes them.
On Friday, Student Symposium conducted an unplanned two-hour meeting to discuss how they may rank all of Dordt’s qualities. Members since then have been spotted everywhere on campus taking surveys pinpointing different aspects of Dordt. The most prominent are tables in the Grille area, loitering around the awkwardly situated recycling bins in the classroom buildings, and around the glass doors of the library.
“We soon hope to determine how Dordt ranks on every level possible,” said sophomore symposium member Jake Strom, quickly excusing himself to catch another student for his survey.
Freshman Sandra Rocky from San Diego huffed at the Wall Street Journal ranking on the Dordt community.
“Really, these are insignificant rankings in the bigger picture,” said Rocky. Her high school, she said, received an award for a record amount of diverse professional garage bands in the nation. After that, nothing otherwise will impress her.
“I mean, seriously. This school is great, but community is such an undefinable thing, you know?” said Rocky, who chose Dordt’s surmounting rankings as the topic for her next speech.
“Rankings schmankings!” said Berg, “If the next one that comes out has to do with Shalom, I’m moving back to Michigan!” While Berg said he thinks the rankings are overrated, they do increase his confidence in his educational choice.
Symposium hopes to have their results posted campus-wide, in print and online, by Friday.
Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.