Student fakes injury for sake of timeliness

Meagan De Graaf-Staff Writer

Sometimes it is difficult to get to class on time, especially when the weather acts up and the walk from the east side of campus to the classrooms seems five times as long.

That’s why junior and East Campus resident Kevin Kuyper decided to find an alternative solution to solve his tardiness (and general laziness) problem. After conducting much research about the different ways to get around campus, Kuyper ranked the best options for getting to class quickly.

Bikes seemed fastest, but they also required the most work to navigate and store. Longboards were pretty speedy, but did he really want to be one of those guys? And a scooter might work, if he was a freshman girl, that is. No, he decided in the end, none of those options seemed viable.

But then it hit him – almost literally, too, since he was busy focusing on the longboards speeding past him. One day, a cart with two girls and a guy pulled up to the entrance of the classroom building and the guy hopped off, grabbed two crutches and his backpack and went inside.

Kuyper glanced at his watch, then back at the cart as the girls sped away. And thus an idea was born.

The next day, Kuyper went to Student Services hobbling on the crutches he had bought after a rough Freshmen Olympics session during WOW week. It may have just been his hoarding tendencies, but he thought it smart to keep them, and now he felt especially grateful for his smarts. Kuyper also wrapped his ankle in some cheap gauze from Walmart and spent time practicing his wincing and limping.

Kevin Kuyper was going to get to class on time.

After being granted access to one of the few carts on campus, Kuyper was able to get to class in about a third of the time it took him to walk. He even managed to achieve this without running pedestrians off the sidewalks, though he could go even faster when he refused to care about the other people walking to class.

Since he wasn’t the only one taking advantage of these carts, Kuyper made new friends during his experiment and found the majority of the other “injured” students using the carts had thought up the same plan as himself.

“We’re just smarter than other kids,” Kuyper said, shrugging and leaning on a crutch. “College is all about thinking creatively and coming up with new ideas and stuff. And that’s all I did. Work smarter, not harder.”

He said he hopes to continue the scheme until the end of the school year.

Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.

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