How to avoid your ex on a tiny campus

Meagan DeGraaf-Staff Writer

Ah yes, it’s that season again – that ring-before-spring, senior-scramble, panicking-if-you’re-single season.

What a lovely time.

And while there’s a lot of bliss and delight with what seems like daily engagements, it’s also a ghastly season of having to see every futile “ring before spring” attempt you could imagine.

At Dordt, a place where relationships are practically seen as a sixth pillar of Calvinism, it can be tough not to date. The real hardship, however, happens when you break up. Suddenly you’re confined to a small campus with only a few paths that lead from the classrooms to the residence halls and back. It’s hard to escape.

Imagine you’re walking down the sidewalk, innocently minding your own business on the way to class, when suddenly you see him. Crap. You try to glance around for someone to talk to or something to hide behind, but there’s no escape. The only hope you have is to pull out your phone and pretend you never saw your ex walking directly past you, while they do the same. Ultimately, though, it’s an impossible game to win.

But never fear! There is hope for those ex-couples who tragically have entirely inverted schedules; there is in fact a way to hide from those people you once considered marrying but now can’t look in the eye.

One of the best ways to do avoid your ex is by drastically altering your schedule for walking to class. Tell yourself that it’s time you started taking initiative and concern in your classes, and as such you decided it would be intellectual of you to show up fifteen minutes early to class. No hidden agenda here, right? This lifestyle change can simultaneously cut down on the likelihood of seeing an ex on the sidewalk and raise your brown-nosing points.

A great strategy to ignore your ex after classes is to locate a lecture hall or big classroom nearby for you to sneak into until the coast is clear. Then you can sneak out when no one’s watching, like you had no idea that you were in the wrong classroom. How weird.

There are also a lot of hiding places on campus; you just have to seek them out. Bathrooms are always a perfect option and drinking fountains are a great option since they can hide your face and occupy you as long as you want. Simply redirect your former thirst for your ex to thirst for pure foundation water.

The prayer room is another perfect place to hide, as are most classrooms or offices, occupied or not. And if you’re approaching the horribly awkward staircase in the Campus Center that only fits one person at a time, the mailroom is always a great distraction. You’ve got to stay up-to-date on your mail, right?

And if you’re outside, just forego the signs that prohibit entrance. Hop those construction fences. Sometimes avoiding an ex is more vital than avoiding safety hazards.

Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.

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