THE WORLD IS FLAT?!

Austin Hough-Staff Writer

The world of basketball has begun to develop theories of the scientific world for reasons not understood to most. It all started with some of the NBA’s top players coming out and saying that the world is flat, a crazy idea not discussed since 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Since sweeping the college arena, this theory left many students curious as to just what Dordt’s basketball team makes of the concept.

“The world is flat because the De Witt gymnasium floor is flat, and that wooden floor is the world. Therefore, the world must be flat,” said men’s basketball head coach Ross Douman. “To say it isn’t would be crazy… it would mean that the Defenders are either always running uphill or downhill and I never see that. So yeah, the world is flat.”

Players including Donny Voss also added their opinions about the theory.

“How wouldn’t the world be flat?” Voss said. “If it weren’t, that would mean that every time I dribble the ball it would bounce at least somewhat horizontally, and that wouldn’t make sense to anyone.”

Among the basketball team were some who contacted the science department to confirm the validity of the theory. When the department responded with “Come again?” the three dots that the team members sent in reply caused the science professors to realized that the email wasn’t a joke. This awareness caused some embarrassment among the faculty.

“Well this is awkward,” said one science professor to another, both of whom wish to remain anonymous.

Several professors tried to explain just what it means to be flat to the basketball team. They apologized for the misunderstanding, but said they couldn’t be responsible for the gap in the men’s elementary school education.

The matter traveled to the theology department in hopes of clarification. Theology professor Mark Van Robertson gave his best response. Douman’s use of deductive reasoning baffled him.

“God made the world round, not flat,” said Van Robertson. “There is earth, the universe and heaven and hell. We really don’t understand what you’re asking. Have you asked the science department?”

An anonymous student even tried to argue this topic in his Core 110 speech class. He was told it wouldn’t be a suitable topic because it wasn’t arguable to his intended audience.

The truth of this theory remains a mystery to many Dordt basketball players. For them, the earth will continue to be flat until it is proved otherwise, or the De Witt is rounded.


Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.

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