The Scoop on Dordt Poop

Lavender A. Tory-Staff Writer

It’s an unavoidable part of life. It’s sometimes inconvenient, sometimes time-consuming, but always worth the effort. What is it?

It’s pooping.

bathroom

Photo taken in the bathroom between CL 93 and the Costume Shop.

Since this act is so integral to our existence, it would make sense that we would want the best possible experience whenever we engage in the action.

And who better to inform you on that topic than the Zircon?

Through a series of tests and evaluations, the Zircon took on the task of testing the bathrooms at Dordt and conclusions have been made.

So—let’s talk toilet. I’ll start with my personal favorites and then walk you through some of the bad, and even the downright crappy, bathrooms of Dordt College. I’ll then give you my own ratings and also let you hear from your fellow Dordtians.

Women’s bathroom outside the theater pod: worthy

Its primary purpose may be number two, but this bathroom is number one on my list. There are plenty of stalls, so there’s always one open. Not just that, but you can usually find an unoccupied stall that’s not directly next to one in use. Somehow, even when there are plenty of people in the bathroom, you still get a feeling of privacy. Full points awarded.

“I just have this feeling of being serene and unrushed whenever I sit down in there,” said senior Emily Postma. “I’m going to miss [that bathroom] when I graduate.”

Plus, you can hit unsuspecting bystanders with the door on your way out.

For the men, this bathroom’s counterpart is located over by the Digital Media lab. While the bathroom is still high in quality, the urinal-to-stall-ratio is too high to let it be an ultimate winner.

The Grille: worthy

If you decide to take this bathroom option, there are plenty of things to be thankful for. While the toilets are not automatic, they at least flush forcefully. There are plenty of stalls and sinks to go around, so you never have to wait for someone else to finish. If you relieve yourself at the right time of day, you can even be serenaded by the worship team practicing in the basement. Besides the fact that several of the stalls don’t lock correctly, these bathrooms are winners for both ladies and gents.

The Science Building, main lobby: missed by a hair

The concept is nice. Automatic flushing, powerful hand-dryer, visually pleasing tile on the floor. The execution, though, could use some work. The bathroom is placed in a convenient location, perfect for dropping by between classes, but because it’s convenient for you, it’s also convenient for about 50 other people at that same moment.

Freshman Victoria Brander once arrived late to class because of such bathroom line issues.

“When I walked in, I saw the line and tried to turn around and walk back out,” Victoria Brander said, “but so many people walked in after me that it was impossible to leave.”

The library: middle of the road

Upsides: Convenient location, always well-stocked with toilet paper, the air freshener is usually working, it offers complementary lotion and there’s a nice entryway where you can hang up your coat and have awkward bathroom conversations.

Downsides: Only two stalls equals poor soundproofing. If we’re sitting in the Study Café, we can hear when you flush. We can also hear your singing and/or whistling. Your stall is not your own.

The location of the doors also create space for plenty opportunities for awkward eye contact and collisions with people at the drinking fountain. Of course, whether or not that’s a downside is all a matter of perspective.

“It’s a great place to play drinking fountain roulette,” said senior Eric Rowe, a normal library patron. “The whole time you’re filling up your water bottle, you just stare directly at the door to the women’s restroom.”

He would not disclose specific roulette examples, nor offer a demonstration.

Dorm restrooms: good luck

Yeah, this is a bit of a wide category, but it’s probably best to talk about them all in one fell swoop. The bathroom in second floor East stinks—literally. The problem has gotten so bad that, in addition to providing air conditioners for those with asthma, Dordt administration is discussing taking students with similar breathing problems and relocating them away from the offending bathroom.

West Hall bathrooms? That’s up to whichever of your roommates cleans them, although some toilets are nicer than others.

Covey can be hit or miss. You have to be careful which stalls to do number two in, since some toilets used to be urinals and thus are more easily plugged. The plus side is that you don’t have to clean them, but they don’t get cleaned on weekends. This means that if someone does something stupid, you’re stuck with it until Monday.

“I don’t even know what was festering in stall five,” said sophomore Megan Van Den Berg, “but it was not produced by a human.”

In other words, your dorm bathroom experience depends on whom you live with, no matter what dorm you end up in.

The “Data Den” bathrooms: Downright Crappy

For those not familiar, this bathroom is located below the hallway connecting the Science Building to the Classroom Building. Among those who have tried it, this bathroom consistently ranks near the bottom of the list. It’s cramped, it’s creepy and something’s slowly eating away at the ceiling. And the walls. And the faucets.

“It either smells like some killer mold is clawing its way into my lungs or like someone died on the pot,” said senior Nathan Ryder, a “Data Den” regular.

Add this to the fact that the toilet seat is much higher than regulation bathrooms and the crack in the stall panels is inconveniently revealing. In conclusion, the bad outweighs the good on this one. It’ll do in a pinch, but you may want to try other options if you want a pleasant bathroom experience.

The Takeaway

What works for one person may not work for others. Maybe someone doesn’t like feeling musical vibrations through the floor while they’re trying to pee in peace. Or, maybe someone prefers the “Data Den” bathroom because it’s less frequented. Ultimately, everyone’s different; do what works for you. However, keep this list in mind the next time you feel the need to go. You won’t find me giving you.


Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.

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