Northwestern’s going paperless

James Mudsplash-Staff Writer

Northwestern’s college newspaper, The Beacon, is the first of many organizations on the college campus that is going paperless due to cuts being made to several departments.

Essentially, The Beacon will now only be available online.   paperless

The college announced these program cuts just after The Beacon investigative team released an article claiming that the Northwestern administration is planning to replace these soon-empty classrooms with a large patch of grass and a weight room.

“These are not renovations they are planning,” said editor of The Beacon, North Star. “They are constructing a whole new sporting center.”

“It’s unnecessary, what’s worse is that student’s tuition dollars are going to these so-called renovations.”

Northwestern’s president Greg Christy disagrees.

With The Beacon becoming paperless, the college may invest more money on important issues such as increasing advertisement of our sporting activities on campus,” Christy said.

“After the The Beacon released fake news, we as an administration witnessed the paper lose its value. It is a lying machine constantly spewing deceit.”

The creation of the new facility is said to add more natural space on campus and to encourage students to go to the gym more often.

“We are not constructing a sports center. We are reconstructing our building to promote a healthy lifestyle,” said Christy.

The Beacon will be available online through a URL link located at the bottom of Northwestern’s college website. To find the link, click clicking values, then freedom, then opportunity and then truth.

“By making us paperless, they are silencing us,” said Star. “They are essentially burying us.”

President Christy said, “They brought this on themselves.”

Old copies of The Beacon that attacked Northwestern administration are being put in a bolted titanium room in Northwestern, away from the student body.

“We believe in democracy, and that is why The Beacon still exists,” said Christy. “They can still practice their freedom of speech, but they do not need to infest people with their created facts and lies.”

Beacon readers have begun to complain and protest.

“We call on other college press writers and editors to join us,” said freshman Heather Van de Smeer.

The Beacon is not the only organization on Northwestern’s campus that is facing cuts. According to another document leaked from Christy’s desk, the “bookstore” will be converted into a Raider clothing store named Red or Dead.

Said Christy about the lead: “This is false new. Absolutely Fake. Even if we were to do so, we would do it to make Northwestern a great school, to allow students to get the best buck for their education.”

One program that Northwestern cut altogether is the communications department. Consequently, the college will offer two new programs – a Bachelors in Soccer and a Bachelors in Football – in the fall of 2017.

“We are an innovative college,” said Christy. “We want to be the first college to offer students a new type of education, and regardless of what The Beacon thinks or writes, it’s With The Beacon becoming paperless, the college may invest more money on important issues such as increasing advertisement of our sporting activities on campus,” the President of Northwestern said, “it’s true.”

Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.

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