Northwestern immigrants face Dordt wall

Sarri Knotsoori-Staff Writer

Campus security deported eight students Friday night when they failed to present a valid Dordt student I.D. at the entrance of the Southview apartments. This event comes in the midst of a recent influx of Northwestern students sneaking across the border of Dordt’s campus, searching for hope and opportunity not found in their homeland southeast of Sioux Center.

Dordt Wall

An actual picture of the actual plan for the actual wall that will be built.

Called in at 11:45 p.m., campus security rushed to the scene, excited to finally do something interesting during their shift. Streaming in from all directions and ignoring the lack of roads through campus, their cars raced across the green space and screeched to a halt, cornering the students. After confronting them and demanding they present their I.D.s, their Northwestern origin became obvious. Campus security hand-cuffed the eight students, loaded them into a white van, and held them in the maintenance building until morning. The students were deported to Northwestern the next day.

Dordt and Northwestern, located 11 miles apart, are taking their mascots’ meanings to a whole new level—the Raiders are suddenly entering Dordt’s campus, trying to snatch a piece of the success found here. And the Defenders, well, they are doing just that—defending their turf. The immigration debate is hitting closer to home more than ever before, and strong division separates Dordt’s campus community.

Some students extend a hand of help, filling the pockets of their baggy sweatshirts with apples from the Commons to feed the needy. The most outgoing students even invite the immigrants to chapel, hoping Aaron Baart’s messages point them to God for encouragement in their dire situation.

“I know it’s hard for us to understand sometimes, but Northwestern students are people too,” said Megan Van Der Zuiderduin, a sophomore social work major.

Other students pass by the Northwestern students on the other side of the sidewalk.

Obviously not “color blind,” a group of Dordt students held an anti-immigration demonstration. Gold flags waved in the wind, and one student went as far as painting “Better Dead Than Red” across his chest.

“They’re taking our work study jobs. They’re eating our food. They come in with radical beliefs, weakening our Christian Reformed stronghold,” said Dan Vandroogenbroeck, a senior majoring in biology. “It’s absurd.”

An ex-Northwestern student and recent immigrant, whose name will remain confidential in order to prevent possible harm, shared his thoughts in a secret interview.

“Northwestern is collapsing,” he said. “It is financially unstable and programs are being cut. The college appears happy and thriving from the outside. But its internal health is going into a tailspin, placing it on a sort of ‘financial life support’ from donors.”

“Every Northwestern student and alum who ever lived knew deep down that they made a mistake. I can’t live with that regret, so here I am at Dordt.”

President Erik Hoekstra called Dordt administration into an emergency meeting Monday morning to discuss the present situation. Hoekstra has crafted a controversial solution to the problem.

He wants to build a wall.

Reaching 30 feet into the sky, it would run along the southern border of campus. Hoekstra is determined to make it beautiful, hiring the creator of the Gift statue to design a structure that both keeps out Northwestern immigrants and provides a complimentary backdrop to the prairie. And, of course, the wall will be brick to match the aesthetic of every other building on campus. In lieu of barbed wire, miniature French fry sculptures will spurn even the most dedicated climbers.

When asked how it would be funded, President Hoekstra replied with a chuckle. “If we can dish out the money to support a football team of almost 100 athletes, I think we can scrounge up the pennies to build a wall.” Hoekstra scoffed at allegations that Northwestern would pay for the wall.

To the relief of many, Hoekstra promises that it would be constructed with much more urgency than the campus’s skywalk, to the relief of many.

The home of every alumni will soon be ringing with phone calls asking for financial support. President Hoekstra is confident that his smiling support paired with the sweet-talking of students working in the call center will cause money to come pouring in for the wall.

“I will not be satisfied until this wall is complete,” said Hoekstra, “every square inch of it.”


Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.

13 responses to “Northwestern immigrants face Dordt wall

  1. Northwestern is willing to pay. It’s all good in the hood. #sharingiscaring #screwthenewsciencebuildingwearebuildingawall

    Like

  2. THERE WILL BE ZERO FUN HAD BY ANYBODY IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE. YOU OUGHT NOT LAUGH AT A SERIOUS THING BECAUSE ITS SERIOUS TO SOME PEOPLE

    Like

  3. I hope you appreciate the privilege that allows you to find this funny. Maybe you just don’t know, but people lose their lives at the border and others now face being torn from their families. Hardly a joking matter.

    Like

    • Maybe you should get off your SJW train for a minute and think about this article in a different way: Maybe this article is pointing out the absurdity of Trumps proposed border wall by presenting an equally ludicrous Dordt border wall; maybe the takeaway from this piece is that border walls are comically stupid in general. Or, if that doesn’t seem possible to you, you should ride your moral high horse off into the sunset and let the rest of us enjoy a bit of comedy.

      Like

      • I did actually read it that way, at least in part. Seemed it was poking fun of the whole mess and both sides. And reasonably well-written at that. But it seems a bit like comparing a sports victory to D-Day or something. Just really tone-deaf to those actually impacted by these problems. I now live in Arizona where these things are a lot more real to me than when I lived in NW Iowa. It’s really not funny to those living with it – so enjoy the comedy if you like, just realize there’s a cost.

        Like

  4. I find this in very poor taste considering our current national climate regarding this topic. This is sad that this comes from a christian college. Not funny.

    Like

Leave a Comment or Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s