Hoekstra’s Wiretapping Scandal Proliferates

Lucinda Woods-Staff Writer

In the wake of President Trump’s tweet claiming that he was wiretapped by Obama, other prominent figures are coming forward and claiming they too have been Hoekstra Wiretapwiretapped. Last week, President of Dordt College Erik Hoekstra announced via Facebook that he believed he was being wiretapped by a group that wants him out of office: the Raiderettes.

This group vehemently denies their involvement in Hoekstra’s claim.

“These claims are simply ridiculous!” said Michelle Fizard, spokesperson for the group. “I can hardly believe my ears! The audacity! Typical.”

“We don’t have the authority to wiretap people, obviously,” Fizard said.

Other members of the organization flooded the internet with similar statements. In a fiery blog post, Raiderette Abigail Ewok wrote, “This idea was totally fabricated because we don’t have the power to do anything like that.”

Even with so many people commenting on the possibility – or impossibility – of such a wiretap, it is difficult for people to find anyone discussing the actual supposed leaked information. Dordt administration is currently investigating these claims.

A further complication to the investigation is that with the rise of wireless technology a physical bug is not necessarily be the only way to wiretap a phone. There is also much debate about whether President Hoekstra, in his post, meant that he specifically was being wiretapped or that members of administration that work closely with him were being wiretapped.

“It’s an outrage!” Amy VanDer said. “This just really shows how low people are willing to stoop just to get their way.”

On the other hand, Thomas Blunier believes the whole thing was made up.

“I can’t believe how paranoid people are,” Blunier said. “I mean, it’s ridiculous for anyone to think that these guys could actually put a wiretap into President Hoekstra’s phone.”

In a later statement, President Hoekstra said the wiretap is evidence that nothing has changed since Nixon and that indeed McCarthyism still runs rampant even in the most pastoral American settings.

Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.

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