Mack Rahnum-Staff Writer
Dordt’s science department recently proved reports of minor earthquake tremors on Dordt’s campus to be false alarms.
For over a month, the college has continued to receive such tremor reports from multiple West Coast students. The most recent report came from a shocked California freshman, Josh Van de Werg.
While munching on his wrap and reading The Communist Manifesto around 2:30 p.m. on Monday, Van de Werg experienced slight tremors beneath his feet that caused him to drop both his wrap and his literature. He curled up as tightly as possible underneath a table with his book and arms covering his head. Van de Werg said the tremors continued for some time.
“The rumbles seemed fairly consistent, either in counts of 3/4 or 4/4,” Van de Werg said.
In California, all students are required to learn drills in the incident of an earthquake, and he said he is frustrated and fearful that Dordt students are not receiving this necessary training in addition to their ther core work.
“Earthquakes can come at any time,” Van de Werg said. “Don’t wait until it’s too late to understand proper emergency procedures.”
He plans to meet with President Hoekstra next week to propose a prevention plan.
Van de Werg confessed to having a seismograph set up in his dorm room. He said it recorded a 3.7 intensity on the Richter scale. Of the 100,000 minor occurrences every year, Van de Werg is convinced that over 100 of those instances occur in Sioux Center. He looked to Wikipedia to back up his claim, quoting that, “shaking of indoor objects can be noticeable” with minor earthquakes.
Science professor Stan Martin discredited Van de Werg’s claims the moment he heard them, but Martin conducted an investigation anyway.
“The platonic structure of Midwestern America is not capable of producing such a natural disaster as an earthquake,” Martin said after conducting two days of research. He even contacted the University of Washington Emergency Management for further details and assurance.
After much angst and trembling spreading around Dordt’s West Coast population, Martin made a discovery that cracked the case: Dordt’s worship teams practice in the lowest level of the Campus Center.
Director of Campus Ministry Jon De Groot apologized for the confusion, but he said the teams will continue to practice in the worship arts room as before.
Bass player Davey Smith laughed when he heard about the confusion.
“I never thought we could cause such chaos,” Smith said. “It wasn’t intentional. But now when we’re down there practicing, I can’t get outta my head how confused those students get.”
Van de Werg admitted he found it strange that students from the Midwest didn’t seem to be affected by the tremors. He now realizes his error in observance but still avoids dining in the Grille area. The stress and trauma it caused him affected his grades, and he hopes to catch up safely in the basement corners of the library.
Smith warns students to stay safe during the weekly shock occurrences by staying out of unstable doorways, avoiding electrical outlets and avoiding the bathrooms on the lower level of the Campus Center at all costs.
Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.