Freshman gets ‘totz mcgoatz’ Madness bracket

Pippa Van Der Dordt-Staff Writer 

The whole nation is now watching Dordt College pop up on their Twitter feeds thanks to freshman Wilhelmina Van Vander Baan. Van Vander Baan is one of the only people in the country to have a perfect March Madness bracket this far in the tournament, and the success of her bracket has led to her being interviewed on national television by ESPN and CBS Sports.  

“This is just, like, very unexpected to me,” Van Vander Baan said. 

Van Vander Baan said the secret to her successful pickings is that she based them on the overall attractiveness of the players. She said she looked up the rosters of most of the mainstream teams and went from there. This strategy seems to have worked out well for her. 

“Oh yeah, I totz mcgoatz looked up pics of the players,” Van Vander Baan said. “How else would you expect me to fill out a bracket? I know nothing about basketball. I barely know anything about college. LOLZ.” 

When ESPN heard about Van Vander Baan and her perfect bracket, they sent a camera crew out to Sioux Center to interview her. Van Vander Baan was reportedly “supes confused” as to why “sportsball people” wanted to talk to her so badly. She forgot that she had even filled out and submitted a bracket, and then was reminded by her roommate that, at the beginning of the month, she completed a bracket as part of a wing event.  

Soon after ESPN’s departure, CBS Sports arrived to interview the freshman.  

Van Vander Baan did not know what to do with her newfound fame. 

“I think I may have to hire people to protect me soon,” Van Vander Baan said. “What are those people called? Like, body protectors or something?” 

The greater campus community has enjoyed having ESPN on campus, and naturally students have tried to get their ten seconds of fame on camera. Dordt administration has a difference response, however, and administrators are looking forward to having campus settle down soon.  

“We’re very proud of Wilhelmina and what she has accomplished – regardless of intentions,” Dordt College President Erik Hoekstra said. “However, I think we are all ready for campus to return to its usual serenity and to get back to people not knowing what Dordt is.”

Editor’s Note: All Zircon articles are the Dordt Diamond’s semi-annual homage to the time-honored, First Amendment-protected, great American tradition of satire. The literal truths of these articles are not to be taken at face value, but we hope the hidden truths allude to the absurdities of some of the realities we face in society today.

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