Surprise spending exasperates students

Akra Nym

Last week Thursday, the Engineering Department professors sent out an email requiring specific erasers for class. Many students are dissatisfied with this demand, only the latest of several incidents in a chain of strange requests.

The email called specifically for “large Paper Mate Pearl Pink erasers” which students consider unnecessary.

“I’ve been using the same old purple pencil-topper eraser for twelve whole weeks, and it’s been working just fine,” said freshman Amy DeLynn.

DeLynn remembers seeing the email for the first time, peering closely at the screen in disbelief, and then slamming the lid of her laptop closed in disgust. But she isn’t the only one who was miffed by such requests. Several others spent their Friday afternoon on the steps of Jacob’s Ladder with large cardboard signs in protest, but so far with no results.

“I don’t even like pink,” said DeLynn, sighing in frustration.

Sitting back in his cushioned black swivel chair, Professor VanDeer related his reasoning for sending out the email.

“I want the absolute best performance from students,” VanDeer said. He has concluded that top test results are achieved when only optimum tools are used. According to the internet, he claims, the rubber elastomer compound with which the erasers are made create negative space with the exact precision that he finds the assignments require. In further research, VanDeer found that this particular pink parallelogram was designed to suit “everyone from students to serious artists.”

The week before, Engineering professors sent out students in search of a simple mathematical calculator that was not capable of graphing functions. VanDeer especially argues that he wants to challenge his class, and being forced to use a basic hand-held calculator deters them from taking the easy route.

“What’s the big deal?” engineer Jake Wade asked. “First the calculators, now erasers!” said Wade, “I didn’t come to college expecting to invest this much cash into my classes. Don’t they know college students have low budgets?”

So far, Wade hasn’t experienced any problems with using a graphing calculator for his assignments, and he’s not happy with professor expectations for new tools. Wade expressed concern over this progression, even warning other students about taking that course next semester.

“Next thing you know, they’ll make us show up to class with brand-name staplers,” said Wade.

In true thrifty fashion, Wade and a handful of other students pooled their funds and scoured Amazon for the best deals. They soon agreed that the three-pack calculator was a serious save.

The Education department has been suffering as well. Next week the education classes won’t be using the traditional number two pencil – they’ll be filling in the bubbles on their quizzes with Crayola crayons. Professor Martin DeVin explained that the Scantron wasn’t accepting anything else but Crayola marks as of late.

“We’ll market the change as ‘There’s a child in all of us’ or something,” DeVin said.

This article was taken from the Zircon issue of The Dordt Diamond

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