New phone, new form of protection

Rain Mudsplash

Have you ever been angry at a friend and thrown your phone across the room? Ever felt trapped by your social media apps and wanted to get rid of your phone in a fit of fury? Or wanted a legal hand grenade?

The Samsung phone Note 8, which will be replacing its predecessor the faulty Note 7, focuses on protection and relevance through the new additional feature of “mini-bomb.”

“We want to give our customers the opportunity to explore new horizons, to be productive and to have more uses for a phone than just being a phone,” said Samsung’s CEO Fixda Fone.

The bomb deploys after users mistype the four-number code or when they press “timer” on the clock application. In both scenarios, a wave of fire surges ten feet from the device.

Many customers have praised Samsung for their new products, posting online videos on the usefulness of the “mini-bomb.”Critics and governments officials around the globe have praised the invention as “super safe” and “super useful” and “biggest literal blockbuster of the year.” Officials have attributed the reduction in violence to the invention.

Governor Pet Instone said that gun violence has dropped by 60% as potential victims, instead of disturbing the 911 officer-on-call (which can take anywhere from minutes to hours), have begun to just toss them at the perpetrator, making sure that they no longer commit crimes.

Angela De Pain was walking on the street of Chicago one blissful night when she was disrupted by two men with guns. She recalls them forcing her to hand over her bag. As they were scavenging through her things, they picked up her phone. Their finger print did not register, and the phone violently responded to the denial with a fizzing sound and a burst of bright light, after which De Pain woke ten feet from the scene with a broken arm but was otherwise completely unharmed.

“I feel more secure with the phone around,” she said with fondness. “I grew up on a farm far from civilization, and each time I visit big cities like New York or Chicago, I feel safe now.”

Sioux Center resident Ben Drool told the Zircon about how one cold night, he was locked out of his house. He was frozen and could not move. Then, he remembered his phone, which allowed him to blow open the front door of his house.

“I’m gonna get more of these,” Drool said. “It’s the most valuable phone of 2016.”

This article was taken from the Zircon issue of The Dordt Diamond

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