Evidence of pagan sacrifices found, Kuyper residents remain suspect

Artanis Knarf

The dog days of summer are finally over and the cooler temperatures are seeing the advent of students walking outside, and with this, the evidence of satanic rituals.

In the bushes behind the BJ Haan, a large amount of incriminating evidence was discovered, revealing multiple Dordt students’ involvement in Satanic rituals. Pentagrams, candles, spell books and dead animals of every sort were found after a student – who wished to remain anonymous – caught sight of a horse leg poking through a hedge.

“I saw the foot and pulled on it. I fell back onto the ground when I realized that it wasn’t attached to anything,” said the traumatized student. “After poking through the bushes and finding a pentagram, I called campus security.”

Robert Taylor, Dean for Campus Life, was horrified at the news of Satanism occurring on campus and ordered a full investigation of the area.

“We take every case that comes before us very seriously,” said Taylor. “It grieves me that students are resorting to this sort of behavior and makes me wonder whether Dordt College is fulfilling its intended purposes.”

Among the evidence, police found an abundance of DNA evidence and the word ‘wi-fi’ frequently spelled out in many of the rituals and spells. Through the DNA and further interrogations, 13 students were found to be involved with the rituals. Dordt authorities refused to release the students’ identities.

“We are still processing what has transgressed here, and we think it would be foolish to give out their identities for the campus newspaper until we have dealt with this situation accordingly,” said Taylor, remarking that the names of the offenders were surprising. “Some of our best and brightest, most outgoing students were involved in the sacrifices – many of your colleagues and friends. They will be undergoing extensive counseling sessions offered by Pastor Baart and other local ministers.”

After talking with the students, police discovered that they had turned to the rituals after their complaints about low internet bandwidth speeds in the Kuyper apartments appeared to go unnoticed by Dordt College’s faculty and maintenance.

“They said they had tried everything they could think of,” said Chief of Sioux Center Police Paul Adkins. “They talked to various faculty members, complained frequently to professors, submitted maintenance request forms via email – they were out of ideas. Then someone had the idea to appeal to the Prince of Darkness for help.”

According to Kuyper apartment residents, the internet speeds had improved significantly since the time that students professed to have begun their sacrifices.

“Oh yeah, the internet was great,” replied one student who wished to remain anonymous. “Every once in a while the internet browser would open up to weird websites with ‘666’ and ‘Behold the Antichrist,’ but I just thought I had an annoying virus or something.”

The student also brought up the fact that bandwidth speeds had decreased significantly since the perpetrators had been caught.

“Honestly, I think I’d be alright if they started up again,” the student said. “It seems like a small price to pay for good internet.”

This article was taken from the Zircon issue of The Dordt Diamond

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