Breath Hower

The month of November is commonly noted to be a month of celebration for men—specifically, as they attempt to grow facial hair to prove their manliness. But this year, a different reaction has arisen among the populace.

It turns out that almost one-third of men cannot grow facial hair. Many others can only grow small amounts—just enough to make people think they are creepy or gross-looking. Men around Dordt’s campus are growing angry rather than hairy this November as a new movement has arisen in protest of the social norm.

By direct order of the president Erik Hoekstra, student services has deemed the “No-shave November” tagline a discriminatory social construct that needs to be abolished. Protestors among the student body have called for change and their voices have been heard.

But no change comes without costs.

The ban of “No-Shave November” has men like Levi Knight extremely angry.

“I’ve been growing my beard for a long time and it keeps me warm,” says Knight, “and now I am being told I need to shave it off because it’s a symbol of oppression? Give me a break!”

Unfortunately for Knight, the change is being enacted all around campus. Student services has affirmed with the Zircon that they will have free and enforced shaving stations around campus to ensure no beard or mustache is left unshaven.

Still, many people on campus are refusing to conform to the new executive order. Even faculty have joined in with a group of resistors. Dr. Ploegstra, a well-known beard endorser on campus, has claimed that men who can grow facial hair should get social recognition, showing they are superior to men who cannot grow beards.

“A beard is a symbol of manliness that definitely is deserving of praise and social recognition,” Ploegstra said. He then performed the exclusive and secretive beard salute that has become a symbol between all men on campus who are holding out against the president’s decree. “Stay strong and hold on to your dignity and manly power!”

Other men on campus are convinced that “No-Shave November” is, in fact, a very exclusive and oppressive idea towards men who cannot grow facial hair. Rule-abiding senior Josh Perkinson, beard and stache extraordinaire, admits he has seen the light of equality.

“I love my beard and stache, but I will not wield it to oppress others,” Perkinson said. “I think that growing a beard can indeed hurt others feelings, especially men who can’t grow any hairs on their chinny chin chins. Therefore, I’m doing what’s right and shaving every couple days so that I can keep my follically-challenged friends without any hard feelings.”

Many others across campus have joined Perkinson in deciding it would be best to simply conform and be inclusive rather than unintentionally exclude those who can’t grow facial hair.

For those on campus like junior Adam Heynen, who cannot grow facial hair, the decree is a real victory.

“I’m so sick of men with beards getting privileges I can’t receive during November,” Heynen said. “And on top of that, I’m always the brunt of the crude jokes my bearded classmates make about how I’m really participating in ‘No-Shave November’ but no one knows! It’s criminal—that’s what it is, and oppressive. Men who can’t grow beards are no less manly than those who can! And that’s a fact.”

Many have joined the shavers during November to seek out and bring to justice those who continually rebel against the Dordt authorities.

It is obvious that tensions are high among the male community on Dordt’s campus; however, women are also being affected by the ban on “No-Shave November.”

One woman said she resented all the men who rallied to enact this change.

“I can’t go the whole winter without shaving my legs, even though they’re going to be covered by my jeans anyway?” she said. “How ridiculous is that? I mean, what difference does it make that I don’t shave?”

Other women on campus, including faculty, are joining the resistance movement.

Some campus women are angry because their boyfriends or husbands look much better with beards, and now they are being forced to shave them off. One woman even stated that she would leave her fiancé if he shaved his beard and stache combo.

Another woman argued that she was very thankful for the executive decree, as she hates nothing more than kissing a furry lip.

The Zircon will continue to investigate the matter and be a mediator between the two hostile groups concerned with “No-Shave November.” But remember, folks, it should always be “No-Hate November,” whether it is “No-Shave November” or not.

This article was taken from the Zircon issue of The Dordt Diamond

Leave a Comment or Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s