Five-Dice Dweller – Staff Writer
In the days of our childhood, ding-dong ditching was considered innocent. The hardest part is sprinting down the street to not get caught. Mess up that portion and the ding-dong ditcher will potentially be ding-dong doomed. The current doomed individual is senior Daryl Bruinsma.
On Nov. 4, Bruinsma was walking back from the Fruited Plain with his friends Justin Pastoor, Rob Davidsen, Rachel Van Kuiken and Zach Schaver. While walking past President Hoekstra’s house, Davidsen dared his fellow compadre Bruinsma to ding-dong ditch his home.
“It was all for fun. I didn’t think it would turn out this way,” said Davidsen with tears in his eyes. In an interview, the President did not find the scenario near as amusing as the students did at the time.
“It’s not funny. That tall blonde kid will suffer the consequences,” said Hoekstra.
After Bruinsma courageously made his way to their front door, he rang the doorbell and made a mad sprint towards Kuyper. Pastoor, Davidsen, Van Kuiken and Schaver followed not far behind. Once they made it past the Science Building, they slowed their pace.
“We were all trying to catch our breath and then all of a sudden this Buick came flying down the road. They pulled up next to us and we had absolutely no idea who it was,” said Van Kuiken.
“I remember Daryl saying, “Who is this old woman?” Then the old woman rolled down her window and it ended up being President Hoekstra. He was furious,” said Schaver.
While Hoekstra ran towards his car to chase after the gang, Professor Andy Schuttinga hid in the bushes with his camera, capturing photos of Hoekstra in silk boxers and a V-neck. Hoekstra will potentially receive probation for not being in business casual attire at all hours of the day.
“The conspiracy is that Hoekstra is always formally dressed all day everyday. I have officially proven that conspiracy wrong,” said Schuttinga.
“Daryl is the main reason for all of this. I am going to sue him for all he is worth,” said Hoekstra.
The photos have been leaked. They are hitting local tabloids such as Teen Vogue, the National Inquirer and American Girl. Dordt is taking a hit because of all the negative publicity so they are considering dethroning Hoekstra in order to cut their losses.
The case will be brought to Judge Judy’s court on Dec. 25. Bruinsma will not be able to spend his Christmas vacation at home.
“I want Daryl to feel absolutely no Christmas spirit this year,” said Hoekstra.
A random selection of Dordt students will have to attend jury duty, so, like Bruinsma, they will not be able to spend their Christmas vacation at home. All students must be prepared for an email from student services. If a student skips out on jury duty, their Defender dollar account will be rendered useless.
Projected enrollment for next year is half of what is currently it is.