Bob the Builder – Staff Writer
The great white north has been shocked with scandal. People are outside weeping in the streets. Riots have begun across the country. Canada will never be the same. The country’s men’s hockey gold medals from the 2010 and 2014 winter Olympic Games have been stripped.
The country has sent out the National Guard to keep the cities under control. This scandal started to develop after the nation’s hero, Sidney Crosby, tested positive for estrogen during a National Hockey League drug test.
“I’m sad to disappoint my country. I never thought taking these drugs would come back to haunt me. My life will never be the same,” Crosby said in a notably feminine voice. He is suspended for the rest of the NHL season and will be striped of the medal and that game winning goal against the U.S.A. And with great pride the United States will be given the gold from 2014 as well as the bronze from 2010. Sweden will take Canada’s gold medal while Finland will come up with the silver.
Crosby is not the only one caught cheating after the NHL tested the rest of the team. There were 23 accounts of estrogen and 34 accounts of beaver steroids found in players bodies. Players with beaver steroids in their systems included Jonathan Toews and Ryan Getzlaf. Which is odd because Getzlaf is bald. Coaches were later told that the steroids worked the opposite way on him, making him actually go bald instead of gaining hair.
When Patrick Kane, an American player, was asked what he thought of the scandal that rocked the hockey world, Kane said, “They cheated and we knew it. My goodness you should have seen how hairy and girlish they were. Im glad to know that my gold medal will be coming first class.” The rest of the American hockey team agreed and cannot wait for the medals to come.
Highly recognized Canadians in the country are very angry with the team’s cheating.
“This the worst possible thing that could happen to Canada,” Don Cheery said. “You have disgraced us. Left us with scars.” Cheery is not the only one to voice out against the team. Justin Bieber decied to write a song about the scandal.
“The song will run along the lines of cheater cheater cheater ooooo you stole my heart and tore it in two.” Bieber said. Canadians across the world are making it a number one. Americans are saying it’s just a remake of his song, ‘baby’ but with the words changed.
Throughout campus people are crying about the games, with one student in tears of joy and another in tears of sadness.
“I can’t stop crying. It just makes me sad and even sadder when I see the news,” One student, Tyler Billy Bob said. “I just want to cry in my room for the rest of my life.”
The Americans on campus have refused to trust Canadians with anything. The sports life can only go up for Canada because the world will surely never forget what has happened. A sport with such grace and great achievements have brought shame to their country. This scar will haunt them forever. Life in Canada will never be the same.