Advice Column: How to be happy

Ms. Spice – Columnistspice

Factor number one: Your appearance is KEY to happiness. Are you pretty? Well you’re probably not pretty enough, so I would suggest fixing yourself as best you can. Let’s start with some makeup. God forgot to give a lot of us girls naturally beautiful faces, so we should do our part by finishing His work every morning before anyone else sees what we really look like! So, pluck out your eyebrows, draw them back in again, and pile on the paint and powder! Also, for some reason He didn’t give us all the same long, thick, black, stiff eyelashes, which is why we need to apply mascara religiously every day (and quit complaining that guys don’t have to do all of this…how ridiculous to think they would be more attractive after smearing black goo all over their eyelashes!). Now remember—not too much makeup, or people might think you “look like a clown.”

The best way to determine how much to use is to listen to the guys around you and how they specifically prefer girls’ face to look. If they have issues with girls wearing makeup, then feel ashamed about yourself and stop wearing it! It doesn’t matter if you happen to genuinely enjoy it for its decorative purposes, or because it is a comfort during a particularly blemish-y period of your life, or because you just really love being dramatic and expressive with your plethora of glittery eye shadows or 35 shades of lipstick…(ahem). It probably hasn’t even occurred to them that you don’t wear makeup primarily for their satisfaction or approval.

 This applies to the way you dress as well. Ladies, I know you all think a girls’ clothing should vary based on her personal preference, but I’m here to tell you that the only way any girl should dress is to either reveal or hide her different body parts, depending, again, on what guys around prefer. Some dudes LOVE the “leggings and yoga pants season”—in which case you should wear them! But there are also those who don’t, in which case…you shouldn’t. Duh. It’s very simple:  It doesn’t matter if you feel that leggings and yoga pants are LITERALLY the most comfortable articles of clothing to greet your lower half during the fall and winter season, because if you hear a guy righteously declare that he thinks they are “immodest” and Christian girls shouldn’t wear them, well then, gosh darn it—you better throw em’ out! After all, boys’ opinions of you and how you look in what you wear are the most important factor of deciding your daily outfit, and by pleasing them, you will totally be one step closer to achieving total happiness!

Lastly, ladies, keep watching your weight! It is important that girls remain smaller than guys in order for them to feel bigger and stronger. Forget your health and the obvious limitations of individual biological makeup that varies from girl to girl—skinny is always inny! But remember…it is a careful balance because you don’t want to look too skinny (after all, “real women have curves,” am I right?), but you do have to be skinny in the right places—like the waist—even though the vast majority of women naturally have more square-shaped midsections. But forget looking at what the real women around you look like—I’d suggest instead fixating on the overwhelming amount of photoshopped images of female bodies being shoved in your face every day for some super realistic inspiration! And when you exercise, make sure it is only to lower the number of the scale, and not to increase your strength! Most guys don’t care about your strength anyway…they just want you to have a nice, toned body they can look at and move around easily!

Follow all of these very simple and reasonable rules, and you will achieve happiness in no time!

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