Al Michael Michaels – Staff Writer
Most people know “March Madness” as the catchy, alliterative slang for the annual NCAA Division I Basketball Tournament.
Some Dordt students, however, severely misinterpreted the phrase to be an event during the month of March in which people become violent and angry.
Dordt’s administration was forced to send eight individual students to anger management because of incidents ranging from ripping pages out of library books to tackling chaplain Aaron Baart during a chapel service.
“It’s all in good fun,” said sophomore Faith Bierma. “How many other months of the year are we allowed to lose our minds and just unleash our insanity? I don’t understand how Dordt could get so upset at me for beating up my R.A. with a tennis racket. It was in the spirit of March Madness.”
While each of the 60-plus March Madness games are viewed by over 10 million people, these Dordt hooligans are clueless when it comes to college basketball’s biggest spectacle.
“I always heard about March Madness in high school,” said senior Aaron Crocker, “but all anybody ever wanted to do was watch basketball. I’m thrilled that there are others here at Dordt who like to celebrate the joyful March holiday with me.”
Professors sensed something was amiss the week before Spring Break when there were multiple classroom incidents. Senior Katie Bonnema threw a whiteboard marker at a fellow student, junior Rocklen Mouw egged his professor during class and freshman Eliana Weigel uttered the unforgivable words, “Every square inch is dumb.”
“March Madness gives me a chance to harness the rage inside,” said Weigel. “Dordt got all serious when I bad-talked Kuyper, but I was just kidding. If this college is all about redemption, they’d understand that March Madness is a chance to redeem insanity.”
“It’s awesome,” said Bonnema about March Madness. “We get to be rebellious, and we also get time off from school. I was under the impression we had gone on Spring Break, but apparently it’s because of something called the Big 10 Conference. It must be like Heartland Conference or something.”
One Dordt professor also appeared to lose his marbles during March. Business professor John Visser gave every student in his Corporate Finance class month-long detentions and forced them to square dance with each other for three hours a night.
“They’ve always called March Madness ‘The Big Dance,’” said Visser. “I don’t know how the two correlate, but who am I to question it?”
“If you don’t realize that March Madness is about basketball, what kind of rock have you been living under?” asked Douma. “Just fill out a bracket, and watch the tournament like normal people.”
Senior Wendy White admits to being confused by the whole thing.
“Right after Spring Break, everybody started saying they were going to make a ‘racket,’” said White. “Why would we all of a sudden start making rackets? We’re supposed to be a peaceful campus.”
The anger management clinic that received Dordt’s troublemakers prescribed a period of psychological testing and a month of watching SportsCenter non-stop.