Uncle Sam – Columnist
The goal of Dordt College is to prepare students to go out into the real world and make money. Okay just kidding. That’s only part of the mandate obviously, since we are also trained to be spiritual crusaders. Another goal of Dordt College is to act as a matchmaker, utilizing student services opportunities and classroom curriculum to fuse together man and woman in holy matrimony. But there is one thing that Dordt doesn’t prepare us students for, something I deem to be extremely vital for future existence: WWIII.
With the turmoil and devastation that is plaguing many countries today (Crimea, Syria, Israel), preparing for WWIII isn’t as far fetched as you may think. And if you look at history, this wouldn’t be the first time that schools prepared for military disaster. During the Cold War, many colleges included classes on nuclear survival, how to shoot a machine gun and how to cook food if your mom gets captured. There needs to be Dordt classes addressing these imminent issues. Fortunately, my voice has been heard. Next semester Dordt plans to offer a minor in WWIII Preparation with the slogan “Welcome to the gun show” implanted on all program paraphernalia. The minor will be a great pick-up for criminal justice majors, who may gain something valuable from a class that teaches you how to kick $%#.
The question that you are all probably wondering is who will be the head of this program? Two words for you: Doctor Cosgrove. For those of you who don’t know him, he is a history professor here at Dordt. His credentials and attributes for this position are about as illustrious as the dark, thick mane that flows from his head. To give you a taste, he once parallel parked a train…using the train set found in his basement. He once was part of the selective group known as Seal Team 6, a prestigious unit known for their ability to balance beach balls on their noses. And finally, he once visited the city of Paris, but he angered the local Parisians because their facial hair just wasn’t “manly enough” for his standards. Cosgrove is, in the words of the Dos Equis guy, the most interesting man in the world.
So if you have any interest in surviving WWIII, I advise you to pick up this minor. Unfortunately for all the smart people out there, complicated math formulas or complex chemical diagrams will be of no use to you when the fighting starts. So take my advice and save your futuristic lives…before it’s too late. Over and out.