May I Suggest?

Van Wilder – Columnist

vanWilderAfter conducting extensive research on the issue, it is clear to me that Dordt’s campus needs a bar. There really isn’t any room for debate on the topic. Giving young college students unbridled access to alcohol can only end well.  To help prove this point I decided to interview some of the more prominent figures connected to Dordt and get their take on the issue.

Senior Lee Veldkamp, Kuyper hall resident, had a lot to say about the bar. “It would expand our horizons and really help our beer pong team. Right now, we can only compete with Pensacola College and Cedarville University. If we want to really establish ourselves in the Collegiate Beer Pong League (CBPL), a bar is a must.” He mentioned that teammate Ross Van Groningen had puked after only two beers at practice the previous week. “It was pathetic. We need better practice facilities.”

Recent graduate Corey Muilenburg weighed in on the subject as well. “It took me a few months to understand all the secular terms used in the real world. People at work kept inviting me to this ‘happy hour’ thing. I was very confused until I figured out this wasn’t the hour after praise and worship when everyone is extremely happy. A bar would have prepared me better for the work world.”

I also turned to the Admissions Office to get their opinion on the issue. They seemed to love the idea. Star recruiter Dan Finley was especially supportive, “I am often faced with the question of what there is to do at Dordt. I never have an answer. If we started a bar, I could probably bring in 500 more students a year.”

Football Coach Greg Youngblood is also pushing hard for the bar. “A bar would really allow us to bring in the type of football players we are looking for. It’s extremely hard to find guys that possess both talent and high character, so we are  often forced to choose. Consistent access to alcohol on campus would be a big draw for the talented recruits we need to be successful.”

Student Services thinks the bar is a great idea too. Liesl Scholten had this to say: “Our staff of CDA’s is currently very overworked. By allowing alcohol on campus, it would remove a lot of stress from the CDA position. They could spend more time improving ‘The Weekly Email’ and other things.”

The final, main supporter of the bar is the Advancement Office. A student from the call center, who wished to remain unnamed, shed light on the situation: “Whenever I call donors they always ask if we have a bar on campus yet. Unfortunately, I have to say no. After this, they usually refuse to donate and hang up.” Another student chimed in with an unsolicited quote, “Remember how awesome hoop night was? We could definitely get the bar sponsored. Imagine Budweiser night!”

Clearly Dordt is headed for a bar. Nothing could really go wrong with the idea. Alcohol always results in good, clean fun, especially in the hands of responsible college students.

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