Caleb Vanderhill – Columnist
Hello everyone. My name is Caleb Vanderhill. You may know me as the object of ridicule in Kyle and Darin’s column. But today, the tables have turned. I, Caleb Vanderhill, have taken over this column. It’s my joy and pleasure to be writing to my fellow Dordt students without hinderinse from those two conceited schmucks.
Okay, so here we go. Let’s see…what should I talk about. Man, this is really hard. How do they do this every issue? So…I think they usually start with a joke. Yeah, yeah. That’s good. Okay. “Where does the chemist put his dishes? In the zinc!” Ho ho ho! Oh, Caleb Vanderhill. When did you get so hilarious? Next, they usually segue into some serious topic. I need to write about something I know a lot about…I have it! Grilled Cheese Sandwiches!
Grilled Cheese sandwiches are amazing. Personally, I enjoy their distinct flavor. They’re simple to make, and fun for the whole family! Need a good housewarming gift? Look no further than a nice golden grilled cheese sandwich. I like adding my own twist to grilled cheese, like ham or Hershey’s syrup. Mmmmmmm.
Caleb begins to salivate gratuitously.
Anyway, Grilled Cheese. The name originates from the act of grilling and the fact that there’s cheese on it. It was invented by my great-great-great-great grandfather Sir Cornelius “Gouda” Vanderhill. Since, it has reached worldwide popularity. I’m so proud of him. A delicacy of both kings and emperors alike, the grilled cheese was…
Caleb sits ponderously for a moment.
You know, I don’t really know much about grilled cheese. I’m sorry. I don’t really know much about anything. I just wanted you guys to think I was cool. But I just couldn’t lie anymore. I think of you dear readers as my friends. Where would I be today without you? Nowhere, that’s where. What I do know is being truthful with yourself and everyone around you is important for…something. The first step to whatever is being honest or whatever. That’s what I, Caleb Vanderhill, want to say to you. I guess I’m supposed to end with a joke now. But I won’t, because I’m not like those other guys. I’m my own man: CALEB VANDERHILL!
Caleb stands up, and leaves the room with fists raised. After a few seconds, Kyle and Darin descend from the ceiling.
Kyle: Did he just teach himself a lesson?
Darin: I think so. We need to stop letting him do that before he hurts himself.
Kyle: Let’s look at this article he wrote…
Darin: Ha! He spelled hinderance wrong!
Kyle: What an idiot!