Commencement change wreaks havoc

Your Mom’s Left Shoe – Staff Writer

The word has gotten out and as of this week, President Eric Hoekstra has confirmed that the news is true. The Dordt College Student Planner Committee decided on Tuesday, April 1, that this year’s commencement has been pushed to Saturday, May 10.

The committee, consisting of one teacher from each department plus every member of the Commons staff, has come to the conclusion that changing the commencement from May 9 to May 10 would be highly beneficial due to the Kindergarten Kazoo Clinic being held in the BJ Haan during finals week.graduatebw

“Personally, I think it is a fabulous idea. Plus, this gives all the Professors a chance to try out the new Dairy Queen. The last time we all hung out was in the spring of 1998. I still haven’t forgiven Andy Schuttinga for breaking my trampoline,” said Eric Hoekstra.

Andy Schuttinga refused to comment on the Trampoline Fiasco of 98’.

A lot of negative talk has surrounded the movement of commencement, the majority coming from the seniors.

“This is utterly preposterous and I will not stand for this injustice. One day we will all flock together and gain the rightful revenge that is ours. The inner angst that ravages at the bottom of our souls will one day be released!” said senior Austin Herrema as he shook his fist and proceeded to disintegrate into a cloud of gold dust.

Herrema is not the only one who feels distraught about the scheduling change. At some point in the near future, all of his roommates plan to go on strike. They have created shirts for the affair.

“I hate to see my brother like this,” said Shelby Herrema, who is currently Austin Herrema’s sister. “Plus this whole ‘Roger Webster speech while disintegrating into a cloud of gold dust’ thing is starting to freak me out.”

The reason for the movement of commencement is due to the first annual Kindergarten Kazoo Clinic, which will be held in the BJ Haan. Kindergarteners from all over the Midwest will be forced to travel to Sioux Center to participate in this newly created event.

According to Benjamin Kornelis, the Professor of Music, he believes that this newly founded development has the potential to benefit Dordt College in the long run.

Kazoobw“We are molding a new generation of Kazoo players. In the past decade, there has been a deficiency in this type of musician. What better way to get that category rolling again than forcing all midwestern children into a week long clinic!” stated an enthusiastic Kornelis.

There has been debate on where all of the kindergarteners will be staying, but in a unanimous vote, the committee has come to the conclusion that every student on campus will house two children.

“We discussed the possibility of giving everyone credit for the Lifespan Development class, but we decided that Dordt students will need to take the class regardless,” said Mark Christians, who currently teaches Lifespan Development.

Commencement will continue to take place at 10 a.m. The BJ Haan will need an immense amount of individuals to help clean the place from top to bottom after the conclusion of the Kazoo clinic. A large number of students will be needed to scrape gum off the bottom of the band chairs. If recruited, please bring your own utensils for this job. Juniors will be in charge of cleaning this year; students should Ross Van Groningen for further information.

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