A Halloween special: Kind of, not really

Megan Kaiser-Staff Writer

So in honor of it being Halloween in all, I figured, hey! Let’s cash in on some B-rated horror. With the help of Netflix being the true skidmark that it is, I hit the awful jackpot. Remember last summer’s ‘Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer’? Well, I never saw that one, but I did see ‘Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies’. Regrettably.

‘Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies’ was produced by The Asylum, a production company that creates low budget, straight to DVD films. Other gems include ‘Mega Shark Verses Crocosaurus’, ‘Transmorphers’, ‘Snakes on a Train’, and the highly acclaimed ‘Sharknado’. Vampire Slayer was released in June 2012 and Zombies was released less than one month before. I don’t get how that one works.

The whole movie is pretty straightforward. The Civil War is in full force and after a breakout of the zombie virus, Abraham turns his concentration to killing off the undead.

At first I was actually kind of amped for this movie. Not amped in a, “Wow! I know this is going to be great!” It was more of a, “This is probably going to blow, but I am so prepared!” I could not even tolerate the amount of stink in this movie. I’ve seen a fair amount of ‘Asylum’ films, and even though none of them deserve an Oscar by any means, they are pretty entertaining. Unfortunately, I was fed up with Abe vs. Zombies by the 20-minute mark.

The cinematography is actually fairly cool. That is really the only thing it has going for it. It’s not like it’s a poorly filmed movie, although I am a bit skeptical to even say that. It simply has a horrible plot, horrible actors. The CGI makes me want to cry, and I was not impressed with Abraham’s beard. Abraham Lincoln had an epic beard, and the character in this film just did not cut it. That was the straw that broke the camels back.

A review by Jake Harris took the exact words right out of my mouth: “This movie is pretty bad. Not that the expectations for it were high..” He said the statement of,  “There are scenes and instances where it starts to become interesting. Then the scene is disrupted by horrible dialogue or unforgivably bad logic. Not that one would be looking for logic in this type of movie, even for these standards.”

I straight up lost it when I read his review. I found it hilarious and spot on quite frankly. You go, Jake Harris. The best quote of the whole film though? When Abe yells ‘Emancipate this’ and then annihilates a zombie.

At first I wondered who and why someone would want to create a movie like this. And then I wondered why I put myself through these types of movies. See the problem here? You win Asylum, you win.

So this Halloween, please do not waste it watching Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies. Go stuff yourself with candy. Go carve a pumpkin. Do something that isn’t going to kill your remaining brain cells, because I think that is what happened when I watched this film. My other comrades that attempted watching it with me would probably say the same. Stick to movies like ‘Friday the 13th’, ‘Scream’, the ‘Halloween’ series, and if you are going to stick true to zombies, do everyone in your life a favor and stick to ‘Zombieland’.

Happy Halloween everyone.

In other breaking news.. Coming Soon: Christmas decorations.

Everywhere.

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